The Breaking Point
by Breakthefloor22
Summary: She was going to be fine. They were going to be fine. At least that's what she told herself to avoid reality. Eventually Merder/ Starts Addek. AU Season 2
1. Nothing Comes Easily

A/N: Okay, so this is my first full length Grey's Anatomy fanfiction, so everybody please be kind. Also, as a disclaimer, I would like to say I own nothing. Every character- so far- in this story is property of ABC and Shonda Rhimes- although I wish McDreamy was mine. The lyrics in the beginning of each chaper belong to the artist listed below them. Other than that, please R/R. One last thing... I'll only be posting a chapter once a week on Fridays. This does include this Friday, November 30. However, I have plans on December 7, so there will be no new updates that week.

---

"_I'm on my knees  
only memories  
are left for me to hold _

Don't know how  
but I'll get by  
Slowly pull myself together" 

Grace-- Kate Havnevik

It had gotten worse over the past few weeks- considerably worse. At first she simply tried to ignore it thinking it was simply her imagination. But lately, it was undeniable. He did little to hide the fact that he was staring at her, and Meredith couldn't help feeling uneasy yet happy about the recent attention she was getting from him.

She'd catch him glancing up at her while she was in the gallery, or watching her in the hospital cafeteria. At the nurse's station, he'd peer over any patient's chart he was working on just to watch her. The thought that he was thinking of her instead of his wife thrilled her.

Then she'd remember.

The crying. The drinking herself to sleep for weeks. The one night stands. It was all because of him and his decision to stay with Addison, the Addison that was impossible to hate. Addison… Derek's "perfect in every way" wife.

Lately though, Addison didn't seem to matter. Derek made that perfectly clear not only to Meredith, but to everybody around him- including Addison.

Meredith looked up from the book she was flipping through unaware that Derek, who was leaning against the counter of the nurse's station, was there. She gave him a slight smile before she noticed the tall, elegant woman standing behind him. As soon as her eyes met Addison's, she quickly glanced back down to the book in front of her. Addison gave the intern a look before walking over to her husband and wrapping her arms around him.

"I'm done for the night," she mumbled as she buried her head in his neck. "I think I'm going to go home." Glancing up at him, she added, "That is unless you want to go out to Joe's for a drink once you get off. Or pizza… we could go out for pizza. God, I've been craving pizza. It seems impossible to find a good pizza place here, though. Meredith, do you know any good pizza places?" She looked to the startled intern expectantly.

Meredith looked up and shook her head, "No sorry."

"So what do you say Derek? Can we _please_ go out tonight? Drinks? Pizza? Anything really," Addison seemed to beg.

Derek put down the chart he had been working on, "I don't know. I'll probably be getting off pretty late tonight-too late to go out." Seeing her disappointed face, he instantly backpedaled. He was supposed to be working on his marriage, and Derek was sure that avoiding his wife wasn't the way to do it. He put his hand on her shoulder, "Look Addi, I'm not really positive what time I'm going to get out of here. I don't want to make you wait for me. If you want to go out, go out. Don't wait up for me." He paused and pursed his lips in thought, "I'll tell you what. You go to Joe's, and if I get done at a reasonable time, I'll meet you there."

"Okay," she said, taking any compromise she could get from her husband. "I hope I'll see you there."

By then Derek had picked up another chart and was writing his progress notes, "Sure, whatever."

"Right," Addison replied, taking Derek's tone as a sign that he was dismissing her. She glanced over to Meredith who was still sitting close by and doing her best to go unnoticed. Addison had gotten the second chance that she wanted, but things still weren't the way they had been. Derek was different, and she was beside herself because she couldn't figure out how to fix him. "Bye," she mumbled as she rounded the corner and walked out of sight.

Meredith, suddenly feeling uncomfortable sitting so close to Derek, stood up and started to make her way toward the locker room when somebody stopped her.

"Wait," He said barely above a whisper. "I want to talk to you."

She instantly recognized his voice, and just the thought of him touching her again made her melt. Gathering up all her willpower, she muttered, "Not right now Derek. We shouldn't make this harder than it already is," She paused for a moment. "You don't have to force yourself to have a conversation just because you feel sorry for me."

With that, Meredith headed off toward the locker room.

"It's not because I feel sorry for you..." Derek whispered before turning around and heading back to his pile of charts.

As the door to the locker room clicked shut, tears started to stream down Meredith's face. Her body heaved as she slumped against the back of the door. She wanted so much for him to love her, but she knew she was asking for the impossible. He was with Addison. And no matter how much he stared at her, Addison was still his wife and there was nothing she could do about it. Just when she thought she was going to be fine, he got to her.

Just as he had before.

---

"Rough Day?"

"I guess you could say that," Meredith responded as she swung herself around on the barstool. Taking a quick glance around, she instantly noticed Addison who was sitting by herself. To Meredith, it appeared as if she were trying to convince herself that Derek was going to show up- the building tower of shot glasses was evidence of it. She turned back around to Joe who greeted her with a smile.

"McDreamy troubles?" He questioned. Meredith nodded, "So, what can I get for you? The usual?"

Another nod.

He placed the shot glass in front of her, "You know… if you ask me, you shouldn't even give him the time of day. He's got Addison for Pete's sake, and you could do so much better."

"I know that, but that's not the problem. The problem is I can't even talk to him without turning into a wreck. There's just….too much history."

"I understand that, but-"

Meredith quickly cut him off, "You know what? Just forget about it. Give me another one," she demanded as she flipped over the shot glass in front of her.

"Okay," He filled up a new glass and slid it over to her before walking away.

By the time Meredith had had her seventh round, she noticed that Addison was gone. Where she once sat there was a pile of shot glasses and the money to cover them. Meredith could feel the liquor starting to blur her senses, but she continued to drink anyway. She needed to drown out the constant voice in her head telling her Derek was "the one." She just needed to forget- even if it was just for a little while.

"Give me another," She spat at Joe from halfway across the room.

Joe came up to her. "I'm cutting you off," he said leaning against the counter. He stood up instantly when he saw Derek standing behind Meredith.

"I think you need to stop."

Meredith swung around at the sound of his voice, "Fuck you, Derek. You have no say in my life. Plus, you wouldn't even be here if you weren't supposed to meet your wife. By the way… you're one hell of a husband- your wife already left." She paused, "Probably what you planned the whole time, anyway." Meredith quickly turned to Joe, "Give me another."

Joe shook his head.

"Fine," She said struggling to stand up. "I'll just go home. I'm sure we have a bottle of tequila stored somewhere."

"Meredith, you can't drive home like that," Derek said, concerned.

"I can do whatever the hell I want."

"Meredith, you're drunk," Derek continued, trying to calm her down. "If you drive home like this, you could hurt yourself or somebody else."

"I'm fine," she slurred heading toward the door.

"No, Meredith. You can't drive." He ran to grab her arm, but she quickly pulled away. Derek knew she wasn't going to give up without a fight, so he threw her over his shoulder. Turning to Joe, he said, "Don't worry about her. I'll bring her home."

"Thanks."

"No problem." Derek answered as he opened the door to the bar and made his way across the parking lot- Meredith kicking and screaming the whole time.

---

"So… I take it that you're giving me the silent treatment." No answer. "I'll take that as a yes." He heard Meredith let out an angry sigh from the back seat. Turning to face her, he laughed, "I would have thought it would be the complete opposite. I thought I'd have to listen to you bitching about how I have no right the whole way home."

"I mean if that's what you want…" She mumbled.

"Oh, now you're talking to me."

She sighed. Part of her wanted to completely ignore him. She wanted to avoid the rush of emotions that would follow. However, the other half, the drunk half, wanted to let him have it. She had been bottling everything up inside her for the longest time, and she was beginning to feel as if now was as good a time as ever to tell him how she felt.

"I wish you would stop staring at me."

"What?"

"I wish you'd stop staring at me. I can't breathe when you are constantly looking at me like that." She paused, and she could feel her emotions getting the better of her. "You look at me and make me think things can be the way they once were." She could hear her voice getting louder, "But Derek, you've got a wife- a wife that you chose instead of me."

Tears started to stream down her face as Derek watched her shell-shocked, "I said stop looking at me like that!" She screamed, "Just stop!" She felt sick- nauseated really. "I've got to get out of here." She scraped at the door trying to open it.

"Meredith, you can't go out there like this." Derek said opening the driver side door and going around to the backseat.

As he opened the door, Meredith started to scream at him violently, "Derek, you asshole! Just let me leave! Leave me the fuck alone! Oh shit… I think I'm going to be-"she began to heave, and Derek helped her out of the car and onto the asphalt were they both knelt waiting for her to stop. "Sick," She finished lifting herself off the ground. "For God's sake, Derek, I said let go of me!" She pulled herself away and began to run, but he grabbed her arm.

"Meredith, I just want to take you home. You don't even have to talk to me. You just can't drive home while you're like this."

"No." She sobbed.

"Why won't you just let me help you?"

"Because it's too hard."

"Too hard?"

"To let you back in. To be near you, really," Meredith sat on the curb next to the car, and he lowered himself to sit next to her. She turned to face him, and he took her hand in his, but she quickly pulled away. "Derek, you have a wife, a wife that you told me you want to work things out with. I was in love with you, Derek, and to be perfectly honest, I think I still am. But that wife, that wife you promised to spend the rest of your life with, is who you love. It's who you should be with. So stop, Derek. Stop staring at me like you used to. Stop making me feel like this."

Derek put his arm around her, and she began to inch away, "Stop, Meredith. Just let me talk to you- as a friend." She turned to face him, and he continued, "It's been hard for me too, Meredith. I was beginning to fall in love with you, but Addison…she's my wife. She's the woman I vowed to spend the rest of my life with, and I have to at least try to work things out with her."

She pulled away, "You're not telling me anything I don't already know."

"Then let me tell you this. I think we can work this out. I think we will still be able to be friends."

"I don't think so, Derek." She stood up and started heading towards the passenger side door, "Just take me home. You have a wife who's probably waiting for you, anyway."

As the door to the driver side slammed shut, Meredith quickly turned to face Derek. He gave her a slight pat on the shoulder before starting the car and pulling out of the parking lot. She knew how hard he was trying to be there for her, but it was only making things worse. All Derek was doing was making the void he left in her heart ache for him even more.


	2. Time Still Exists

A/N: As promised, here is another chapter. Because I'm so far ahead with this story, I've decided I am going to be posting a chapter next week on either Weds. or Thurs. Other than that please R/R.

**Warning**: There is a slightly racey scene at the end. It's not really bad, so I didn't want to raise the rating. I promise, it's nothing worse than you'd see on Grey's.

---

"_So I put my arms around you around you  
And I hope that I will do no wrong  
My eyes are on you they're on you  
And I hope that you won't hurt me"_

Dancing--Elisa

As they drove up to the house, Derek could see the TV flickering and could just about make out the figure of somebody sitting on the couch watching it. Someone, Derek assumed Izzie, had left the porch light on probably expecting Meredith to be home at any moment.

The ride back to Meredith's house had been deathly quiet. Neither Meredith nor Derek made any attempt to start a conversation, and both were silently relieved. Their relationship had become strained. That was obvious enough, but both Meredith and Derek were afraid to admit the fact that they couldn't be in the same room without feeling uncomfortable. Maybe it was because Derek was with Addison that made their relationship the way it was. Or, maybe it was the fear that they would fall for each other again.

Derek pulled the car up in front of the house and cleared his throat, "Will you be okay getting in by yourself?" No Answer. "Meredith?" He turned to her and saw that she had fallen asleep.

He slid out of the car and headed around to the other side. Opening the passenger door, he grabbed Meredith's purse off the floor of the car and slung it over his shoulder. He bent down and scooped her into his arms. She instantly cuddled into him unaware of what was going on.

As he made his way to the porch and the front door, he searched her purse for her keys. Just when he was about to put the key into the lock, the door flew open revealing an anxious Izzie standing in the doorway.

"Where the hell have you been? We have an early shift tomorrow. You shouldn't have been out so late." She scolded before realizing it was Derek standing at the door, "Oh… I thought you were Meredith. Well obviously it is kinda Meredith, but… you know what I mean."

"Yeah," he laughed at the nervous intern. "Sure. I guess I'll take her up to her room. Umm… do you have any aspirin? She'll probably need it."

"Umm, yeah. There should be some up in the medicine cabinet. You remember where it is don't you?"

Derek nodded.

"Where did you find her anyway?" Izzie questioned.

"At Joe's." He said heading up the stairs, "It seemed like she was having a party. Too bad she was the only one invited."

"Yeah," Izzie yelled up the stairs to him. When she heard the door click shut, she instantly ran into the family room to talk to George.

George sat on the couch with his feet up on the coffee table. He was watching some soap opera that Izzie had put on earlier although he was paying little attention to it. He was paying more attention to the banging around that he heard upstairs that was instantly followed by yelling.

"Meredith come home drunk again?" he questioned. Izzie nodded in response. "Did she bring anybody with her this time?" Izzie nodded again plopping down on the couch next to him. "Who?"

"You'll never guess," Izzie said eagerly.

"Who?"

"McDreamy."

"As in 'Shepherd', with the wife, head of neurosurgery, McDreamy?"

"One in the same," she said almost jumping up out of her seat.

"Are you sure that's such a good thing seeing that he has a wife?" George retorted.

"Not like that, stupid," Izzie said hitting him over the head. "She didn't bring him home to have sex with," she paused thinking for a moment. "Actually, it was the complete opposite. He brought her home. She was asleep in his arms."

"Oh. That's probably the only way Shepherd got her to let him take her home."

"What do you mean?" Izzie questioned.

"Well let's just say things haven't gone so well in the 'Meredith actually talking to Shepherd' department."

Izzie leaned back against the couch and changed the channel. "Really? You would never think that by the way McDreamy was looking at her when he brought her in. I would think more that he was still in love with her."

"I think that's part of the problem," was George's reply.

---

"Just take the aspirin, Mer. It will make the hangover you'll have in the morning better." He shoved the two pills into her hand, and she looked at them for a second before continuing on with her rant.

"God Derek, you could have woken me up and told me that we were here! But no… doctor God damn Derek Shepherd had to literally carry me into my own house. I mean what will Izzie and George think?" She paused seeing if he had any idea how angry she was, but seeing his puzzled face just caused her to get angrier, "Not only are they going to think I'm some drunk who can't hold her liquor and drinks every night, they're also going to think I'm a whore!"

"Why would they think that?" Derek questioned sitting down on the bed next to her. "I've got a wife. It would be wrong to sleep with you."

"Oh great… now I'm an _adulterous_ whore."

Derek laughed but instantly swallowed it when he saw the expression on Meredith's face. This was no laughing matter. At least she didn't think it was.

"What the fuck is so funny Derek Shepherd? What? Do I amuse you?"

"No. No. It's not that," He said trying to gain his composure.

"What is it then?"

"You know what? I'm not quite sure. I'm not sure what came over me."

"That's what they all say," she said as she leaned back on the bed, her legs dangling over.

"Hugh?"

She sat up and rolled her eyes, "Never mind. You just don't get it."

Derek shrugged, "I guess I don't."

Meredith nodded in response. They sat there for a while- the two of them beside each other on the bed. She glanced over to the alarm clock on her bedside table, and the numbers 12:15 glared back at her big and red.

Meredith sighed, and Derek turned to face her. Feeling his eyes on her, she opened her mouth to say something, but he quickly silenced her, "Don't say anything." He whispered, "I want to cherish this moment."

"Wh-"

"Don't." Derek murmured putting his finger to her lips. He began to trace the familiar outline of her lips- every curve permanently etched in his memory, "I think this is the first time we've actually been able to be ourselves since Addison arrived."

She was just like he had remembered her. She wasn't the crying mess he had encountered earlier, and she surely wasn't the woman who had been avoiding him for the past month and a half. She was his Meredith, the Meredith he had fallen in love with the first time he met her at the bar.

She was _his_ girl, in a bar.

Feeling Derek's eyes on her wasn't nerve wracking, and it didn't make her as uneasy as it once had. She wanted to feel his eyes on her. Right now all Meredith wanted was any contact she could have with him.

The tension between them was beginning to become unbearable, and Derek quickly closed the space between them. He could feel the heat radiating from her body, and he removed his finger from her lips and replaced it with his lips.

She tasted sweet, just like he remembered. She gently nipped at his lips and ran her tongue against his teeth begging for entrance into his mouth. He quickly obeyed-their tongues tangling together and exploring each other's mouth.

Meredith shifted her position so she was straddling him. She tugged at his bottom lip as her hands began to explore his body. She ran her hand along his abs feeling them tense slightly under her touch. She played with the hem of his shirt before tugging on it. Derek quickly complied by quickly pulling the shirt up over his head and throwing it across the room.

"You have no idea how much I wanted this." She wrapped her legs around his waist as their lips crushed together and her hands tangled his dark locks.

"Oh… I'm pretty sure I do," Derek replied slowly lowering her back onto the mattress.


	3. Not Meant to Be Like This

A/N: Okay, so here's this weeks chapter because I'm not going to be home at all this weekend. The next chapter won't be up until next Friday, the 14. One thing I wanted to mention, I'm not getting nearly as many reviews as I'd hoped. I know people are reading because I'm getting the story alert emails. I just wanted to ask you to review, please. Those of you who write know how great it feels to get feedback from your readers. I love reading what is going on in everybody's heads after a chapter.

---

"_No it's not meant to be like this,  
It's just what I don't need.  
Why make me feel like this?  
It's definitely all your fault."_

The Walk--Imogen Heap

Sunlight streamed in through the drawn blinds giving the room a soft glow. Meredith and Derek laid sprawled out on the bed a mess of intertwined limbs. Izzie ran about downstairs trying to make everybody breakfast before their early shift. She pulled the frying pan out of the cabinet, and it slipped out of her hands landing on the floor with a loud bang.

Izzie picked it up and placed it on the stove while yelling upstairs to Meredith upstairs, "Meredith!" She screamed, "Get your butt out of bed or you're going to be late."

Meredith jumped up, startled, at hearing her name. She opened her eyes slightly trying to adjust to the change in light. Her head was throbbing, and she instantly pressed her hand to her temple trying to relieve the pain.

She forced herself to get out of bed when she noticed her clothes, or rather, the lack there of. They were all around the room. Her bra was on the dresser, pants and shirt on the floor, and her underwear sat at the foot of her bed haunting her. That's when she noticed them- the boxers.

_His_ boxers.

Meredith struggled to stand up. She turned around slowly, praying that it was simply another dream. It had to be a dream. Then reality hit her when she saw his slumbering figure lying on her bed.

Last time this had happened, things hadn't ended well. She had been clueless about his marriage, but this time was different. She knew about Addison.

Meredith silently kicked herself. She knew better. He knew better. They both knew better.

She lowered herself back down onto the bed trying to process everything. They had had sex. She and Derek had had sex- great, wonderful, mind-blowing sex. She had sex with her ex-boyfriend. More importantly, she had had sex with her _married_ ex-boyfriend.

Derek awoke slightly disoriented. This wasn't the cramped trailer he was used to waking up in. This wasn't the bed he normally woke up in next to his wife. Then it hit him. This was Meredith's house, the Meredith he had spent the night with, the Meredith he was in love with.

He sat up and saw Meredith sitting on the edge of the bed holding her head in her hands. Moving closer to her, Derek placed a concerned hand on her shoulder, "Does your head hurt?" he questioned placing a kiss on her forehead.

She turned instantaneously at the sound of his voice, "Yeah, and don't touch me." Meredith pulled away and stood up wrapping a sheet around her naked body.

"What?" Derek asked baffled.

"What happened last night," Meredith tried to explain to him, "was a one time thing. I don't plan on it happening again. It was a mistake, a simple lapse of judgment- that's all."

"I don't think I understand."

"Are you completely clueless, Derek? You've got a wife. Look, I was drunk. I wasn't thinking. You weren't thinking."

"I was thinking. It's what I wanted. _I_ kissed _you_. Don't you remember?"

She rolled her eyes, "Seriously, Derek, are you high?" She paused for emphasis, "Read my lips. YOU'VE GOT A WIFE. Just because you wanted it doesn't make it right. Plus, I'm sober now. I was drunk before."

"What difference does it make?"

"I was drunk last night, and you took advantage."

"That's what you think," Derek inquired cocking an eyebrow.

"No," Meredith replied. "I'm sure of it. I wouldn't sleep with you any other way." She paused, "Now I've got to go downstairs so that Izzie doesn't come up here looking for me and find you. And _you've_ got to find a way to slip out of the house with no one seeing you."

"Bu-" Derek began.

"Don't try to argue with me. This was a mistake, and we have to keep it just between us." Meredith went over to the door and dropped the sheet as she pulled on her robe and tied it shut in one swift motion. She opened the door and stepped into the hallway before turning back to Derek, "I guess I'll see you at work. And what happened last night… not another word. It was a mistake. Nothing more."

With that, Meredith shut the door and began running down the stairs to the kitchen. She may not have believed half of what she had just told Derek, but she needed to make sure that Derek believed it.

---

Meredith found Izzie standing over the stove as she walked into the kitchen. Izzie turned around, a smile practically painted on her face. She held a steaming pan of eggs in her hand, and there was bacon and toast sitting on the table. George sat in front of it reading the morning paper and seemed completely oblivious to the fact that Izzie had cooked them breakfast.

No matter how happy Meredith was to have a hot breakfast that morning, she couldn't help feel that something was different. Izzie never made them breakfast-cupcakes, maybe- but not breakfast. She was never a morning person and forget getting up early to make somebody else breakfast.

"Grab a plate, Mer, and eat up," Izzie said setting the plate of eggs down next to the rest of the food. She leaned over to get a plate herself, and George put down his paper doing the same. "What do you think you're doing?" she questioned.

"I thought you made us breakfast."

"No. This is for Meredith and me. Get your own breakfast," Izzie replied handing Meredith an empty plate and passing her the eggs.

"What do you want Izzie?" Meredith said cutting to the chase. George gave her a pleading look, and she added, "And for Christ sakes, let George have some eggs."

Izzie looked at her as if she were puzzled, "I don't know what on earth you're talking about, and George can't have any. I didn't make enough."

"Then he can have mine." She passed the plate over to George who took it gratefully.

"Uhm," Izzie coughed trying to get George's attention, but George simply looked at her confused. "George, don't you have to go and take a shower before we go to work?"

"No. I can take one there," Izzie glared at him, and George finally took the hint. "Oh… that's right I'm supposed to meet Olivia before work. I'd better just take a shower here," he said as he stood up and walked out of the room.

"What was that all about?" Meredith asked, her eyes following George as he left the two of them alone. She turned to Izzie, "So really, what do you want?"

"Nothing I swear."

"Izzie, you got George out of here for some reason, and you made me breakfast. You never make breakfast. So, seriously, just tell me what you want," Meredith snapped annoyance evident in her voice.

"So I noticed McDreamy never left last night. Did something happen?"

There she said it. She had told Meredith what she wanted to know, and all Meredith could do in response was stutter. Nobody was supposed to know about Derek. Most importantly Izzie, Miss Blabbermouth, wasn't supposed to know about her and Derek. Then Meredith remembered Derek sitting in her room. For all she knew, Derek could still be up there.

"So? _Did_ something happen?"

"Oh, sorry," Meredith responded. "No, nothing happened. Derek just put me to bed and waited until I feel asleep. When I woke up this morning, he was gone."

"Really? Because I was up pretty early this morning, and I never saw him after he carried you into the house."

Meredith was beginning to get nervous. Izzie suspected that something had happened the night before, and she couldn't bear to have anybody think of her as an adulterous whore.

"I guess he must have left just after I fell asleep," Meredith lied, knowing the truth.

"Maybe," Izzie responded giving up on the subject.

"So George and Olivia?"

Izzie laughed and looked at her friend skeptically, "Oh, please. We all know that's ancient history."

---

The hospital seemed much busier than normal, and as soon as Derek walked in he knew he was in for a tough shift. Every department-surgery in particular- seemed to be overflowing with patients and expectant families. Derek had been running around from one consult to the next ever since he got to work.

In the few seconds Derek did actually find to gather his thoughts, he realized his life had become immensely more complicated. He stood at the nurse's station reading over a chart for a patient that needed a consult. Glancing up, he noticed Addison leaning on the wall opposite him and watching him closely.

"Hey," he said giving her a slight smile. Addison acknowledged the gesture by smiling back.

She walked toward her husband, and suddenly there was a deafening silence. Neither of them wanted to speak about their problems. Both Addison and Derek had made an agreement to behave professionally at work and to speak to each other only about patients. Neither of them could muster up the courage to talk about what was really going on. Their marriage was over. That was obvious when Derek didn't go home the night before.

Addison was the first to finally find the courage to state the obvious.

"You never came home last night," she said barely above a whisper as if she couldn't quite understand that fact.

"Yeah, I know. I'm really sorry."

Addison didn't think she'd find the nerve to ask him directly, but she couldn't help herself. "Where were you?" she questioned. Part of her didn't want to know the truth, yet she felt as if she needed to know.

Derek paused, and Addison assumed that it was because he was trying to come up with an excuse. Then she saw what had really caught his attention. Following his eyes down the hallway, she instantly caught Meredith Grey who was ducking into a stairwell in an attempt to avoid them both.

"I spent the night in the on call room," Derek answered.

She was sure he was lying, but for some reason Addison didn't seem to care. She wasn't going to be the first to admit that their marriage was over, and she sure as hell wasn't going to accuse her husband of cheating. He had given her a second chance, and Addison had to constantly remind herself of that. Derek wanted to work things out. She wanted to work things out. There was one thing that left her puzzled, though.

If they both wanted it so badly, why was it so difficult?

Addison gave Derek a sympathetic smile before adding, "I'm sorry about that. I take it the chief asked you to be on call last minute?" She questioned, and he nodded, "I know how difficult it is. You don't have anymore scheduled, though, do you?"

He shook his head and glanced down at the chart in front of him, "No. That is it for a while."

"That's good," she replied placing her hand on his shoulder. "So, do you want to get the drink that you missed yesterday?"

Derek looked up at her, "We'll have to see what time I'll get off, but sure. That would be great, Addison."

Addison took that as a good sign. At least he was trying. "Yeah, that's great. We'll finally get to spend some time together."

"You know, Addi, I think that's just what we need."

Addison smiled as she headed down the hall, "I totally agree, Derek. I totally agree." She rounded the corner, and Derek's eyes followed her to make sure she was out of sight. Once he was sure, he ran down the opposite hall to where he had seen Meredith. He pushed the door open, and it slammed shut behind him. Addison stood at the end of the hall watching, the sound of the door still ringing in her ears.

_It's Over. It's Over._

_---_

Yeah, so I guess Derek wants it a little more than Meredith does. The idea of Addison finding out just scares the shit out of her. There's not much to say about this chapter. Meredith knows that she made a serious mistake, and she's going to have to deal with the consequences. Trust me, they're going to be dire. Again, please review.

Franny XX


	4. There For All to See

A/N: Thank you so much for all of the reviews. It was so nice to hear everybody's thoughts. No Grey's for the next few weeks. What a downer. Hope this will help a little- especially after Rose and Derek's kiss a week ago. At the end, I couldn't quite tell if Derek thought the two of them just needed to move on or he was happy that Meredith was willing to make a "commitment". I'm hoping for the latter. I'll stop rambling now and let you get to the story. Again, Please R/R.

---

"_On that starry night  
Lost my sense of time  
I don't know how I  
Got my fingers burned  
Maybe I got too close"_

Night of the Dancing Flame--Roisin Murphy

He felt her hand grab his arm before he really got the chance to process the fact that she was standing there waiting for him. Meredith walked briskly down the hallway- pulling Derek along behind her. She turned into a more deserted hallway and turned to face him once she was sure there was nobody around to hear them.

Derek could tell she was angry, but he couldn't keep himself from smiling. What could he say? She was cute when she was angry.

However, Meredith didn't feel the same way. "What the hell, Derek?" she questioned. "Did you not hear a word I said to you this morning? This can't happen." She motioned to the two of them and his smiling face, "Last night was a mistake. Nothing more. You have a wife, and you can't go staring at me like that."

Meredith hit him gently, and Derek's eyes quickly diverted to something else. Then he turned to look at her again. "What's the harm in looking?" he said, almost in a mocking tone.

Meredith placed a hand on her hip and ran the other through her hair, "You don't get it, do you? Someone could see us." Silence.

"Addison could see us," she said, letting Derek know her worst fear.

Derek took a step closer to Meredith closing the space between them. "Why does it matter? I mean _she_ of all people knows about cheating," he whispered in her ear.

Meredith pulled away instantly, "That doesn't make it right."

Sighing, Derek leaned against the wall. "Maybe you're right," he replied telling Meredith what she wanted to hear. "Addison and I are supposed to be working on our marriage. Just because she cheated doesn't mean it makes it okay for me to do the same thing."

Meredith nodded.

"Now would it be cheating if I kissed you?" he questioned, pulling her to him and caressing her cheek.

She melted under his touch but mustered up the courage to answer him. "Yes," she whispered.

He wrapped his arms around her slender body, and this time Meredith couldn't find the courage to stand up to him. She needed him. More than she'd ever realized. His lips crashed onto hers and he began sucking. He needed to taste her.

Meredith ran her tongue along his teeth begging for entrance. Her hands explored his dark locks as she wrapped her legs around his waist. She needed to be closer to him. She needed him inside her.

He began fingering the hem of her shirt, and Meredith instantly came to her senses, "We can't do this here. Someone could see," she mumbled into his mouth.

She slid her legs down so she was standing in front of him. Neither of them could find the willpower to separate from the other, yet Meredith knew she had to stop it. She pulled away from him and pulled her scrub top down trying to straighten it out. Stroking his cheek gently, she whispered into his ear, "This is wrong." She sighed, her arm dropping down to her side, "We need to stop this. All of this."

Meredith left him there with nothing to do but watch her retreating figure. She had had enough. It was over.

They were over.

---

Meredith slammed her tray down on the table causing everybody sitting there to turn to her. She pulled the chair out in front of her and threw herself into it. Glancing up from her tray, Meredith was instantly aware of the looks everybody was giving her. Then she saw Izzie give Christina a look, a look she was sure meant "keep your mouth shut".

"What's wrong with all of you?" Meredith questioned picking at her salad. When nobody responded, she continued, "Why do you guys keep looking at me like that?"

Christina started to laugh, but instantly cleared her throat after seeing the looks Meredith was giving her. "God, Meredith, what's got your panties in a twist?" she asked trying to keep her composure.

Izzie on the other hand had totally lost it and started giggling uncontrollably. That's when Meredith knew that Izzie had blabbed. She gave Izzie an angry look, and Izzie started to ramble to explain herself. "Sorry Meredith," she said gasping for air, "Christina's got a very persuasive way about her."

"I'm sure it was all Christina's fault," Meredith replied rolling her eyes.

Christina laughed, "Yep. I just begggged tinker bell here to tell me all about what happened last night, especially after she kept saying 'you'll never guess what happened last night.'" She paused, "Anyway, Izzie tells me that McBastard spent the night. Did anything happen?"

"First off, I never said that Derek _spent_ the night," she said turning to Izzie. "Secondly, it's none of your damn business."

"So something did happen?" Christina pressed.

"No. Nothing happened. Derek just gave me a ride home. I was drunk. Nothing happened."

"Well seeing that you were drunk and you keep saying nothing happened…"

"I swear to God nothing happened," Meredith huffed. She turned to Izzie, "See what you started? Now Christina thinks that _something_ happened when what happened between Derek and I last night was innocent."

"Christina and Izzie aren't the only ones who think that," Alex chimed in.

"What do you mean?" Meredith snapped.

"I'm just saying, even a blind man could see the looks Derek's been giving you over the past few weeks, not to mention the tension."

"What tension?"

"Sexual tension if you ask me," he said taking a bite of his sandwich. "Seems as if it got resolved last night, though."

Alex gave her a wink, and she slapped him, "Oh shut up."

He laughed, "What? It's all in good fun."

"It's only fun if you're not the one who's getting made fun of," Meredith mumbled under her breath. "Will you three just stop already?" she begged. "Nothing happened. What happened between Derek and me isn't even worth having a conversation about."

"Oh… so something did happen."

Meredith rolled her eyes as she picked up her tray, "You guys need a life."

Alex turned to Izzie smirking at her, "I can't say I don't agree with her."

---

"So… are you going to just tell me what I want to know, or are you going to make me beat it out of you?" Christina questioned chasing after Meredith. "You know, Mer. You are exhausting. You are both mentally and physically exhausting." She reached out for her arm and made Meredith stop. "Slow down for Christ's sake. You're making this so much harder than it has to be."

"What's hard about it? I'm not telling you. It's not rocket science."

Meredith pushed open the door to the locker room, and Christina followed her in. "I guess I'll have to beat it out of you, then."

"Whatever," Meredith replied rolling up her eyes and giving up the argument. "I'm not arguing with you."

"Okay… so you're going to tell me?"

"I never said that. I said that I'm going to drop the subject- and so are you."

Christina threw herself on the bench. "That's all a matter of choice," she said with a smirk, "I still want to know what happened last night, so I'm not dropping the subject. Just tell me, Mer. Tell me, and then you don't have to listen to me for the rest of the day. Come on. I'm your person."

Meredith sat down on the bench next to Christina, "Look. It's up to me to decide whether I want to tell you our not, so don't go giving me ultimatums."

"So there _is_ something to tell?"

"I'm not an idiot, Christina. You wouldn't be persisting like this if you weren't sure that something happened." She paused and laughed, "You just want to know the details because you have nothing better to do. It will be the highlight of your day."

"I guess I could agree with you on that. Okay… so stop stalling and tell me what happened." She was silent for a moment, "Start from the beginning. I want to know everything."

Meredith sighed rolling her eyes, "Okay, but you can't repeat this. So last night, I went to Joe's for a few drinks. Let's just say I wasn't in the best of moods and overdid it a little."

"A little?" Christina questioned skeptically.

"Okay… so maybe a lot, but anyway I got drunk. To make a long story short Derek showed up and came to my rescue. He took me home." Meredith stopped to see if she was getting a reaction from Christina.

"Is that it?" she said cocking and eyebrow. "You expect me to believe that's all that happened? Seriously, Mer? Even Izzie knew that."

Meredith shrugged, "What else do you want me to tell you? Nothing happened."

"I still don't believe you."

"What makes you think that I care if you believe me?" Meredith questioned standing up and making her way toward the door. "Everybody wants to believe that something amazing happened last night," she laughed. "Hey, even I do, but there's no use lying about it. All that does is cause problems." With that she let go of the door letting it swing shut behind her.

Meredith leaned against the locker room door. She wanted to tell Christina what had happened last night, but as far as Meredith was concerned, it was a mistake. There was no sense letting people know what they didn't need to know. Pushing herself off of the door, she sped down the hall trying to avoid anybody that would question her further about last night.

She had dreamt of being with Derek again- under different circumstances. In her dream there was no Addison. There was no dark and twisty past. There was just the two of them in a blissful, perfect relationship- as far from reality as she could dream it to be.

Meredith was sure that people like her didn't get the "happily ever after" endings, and even trying to reach for one would only lead to heartbreak. She couldn't have what she had dreamt of with Derek. He was married. He wasn't hers to have.

But that didn't mean she didn't want him.

---

A/N: _So Meredith's trying her hardest not to surrender to her emotions, but Derek is making it difficult. He finally realized that he chose wrong and that Meredith means everything to him. However, he and Addison are not quite ready to face that reality. So he goes around trying to "seduce" Meredith when all she wants to do is be left alone. On top of this Meredith's worst fear is coming to life- her friends suspect something. She's doing her best to hide it, but she can only lie for so long before everything spins out of control. That's it for now... more next Friday. Again, please review! _


	5. Make it Through Another Night

A/N: Okay guys, here's the next chapter. Because I have no school all of next week, I'm going to try and get myself caught up and have a few more chapters stacked up. However, if I don't get at least three chapters written by next Wednesday, there won't be a new update until January 4. Other than that, please R/R.

---

"_We push and pull  
And I fall down sometimes  
And I'm not letting go  
You hold the other line"_

Breathe In, Breathe Out-- Mat Kearney

_Maybe if I close my eyes this will all go away, and everything will go back to the way it once was._

Squeezing her eyes shut, Meredith threw herself back onto the bench, her head hitting the wood with a smack. _Shit_, she muttered pressing a hand to the spot which was now throbbing. Tears began to stream down her face as she hoisted herself back up bringing her knees to her chest.

She messed up. There was no doubt in her mind about that. They weren't supposed to sleep together in the first place, and they certainly weren't supposed to slip up for a second time. She had worked so hard to control her emotions, but it seemed as if when it came to Derek, she couldn't help but surrender to them.

Letting him in had proved to be a difficult feat. In some ways, Meredith still had trouble trusting him completely. Her whole life, she had seen the anguish and pain associated with love. She had never been able to see what love was supposed to be like.

Or the way it was supposed to feel.

Meredith could here the sound of footsteps and a muffled voice. She quickly slid herself around so her feet were firmly planted on the ground. Reaching up to wipe the tears from her eyes, she stifled a sob.

The door swung open to reveal a slightly preoccupied Alex. He walked briskly to his locker not even noticing Meredith who was still trying to gain her composure. Lowering himself down to the bench underneath him, he became instantly aware of Meredith's presence.

He turned to her as he flipped through a box of index cards, "What are you doing in here?" He questioned, "Shepherd's been looking for you everywhere."

Tears began to well up, "He has?" She murmured.

Alex glanced up at her, "Montgomery-Shepherd. Hey, are you okay?" He placed a hand on her shoulder, "What's wrong? Why are you crying?"

Meredith shrugged quickly wiping the tears away, "It's nothing."

"It doesn't look like nothing."

Pushing herself up from the bench, she quickly tried to come up with some type of excuse, "It's nothing- just a rough case. That's all." She made her way to the door, her hand lingering there for a moment. "Why's Shepherd looking for me? I'm not on her service." She questioned pushing the door open.

Alex shrugged, "I don't know. She said it was personal."

"Crap," She muttered letting go of the door. Barely having time to react, the door swung shut and hit her in the face with a loud thud.

"Not a good day, hugh?" Alex asked in a mocking tone.

"Nope. Not at all," Meredith responded cradling her head.

---

Throwing a pillow over his head, Derek closed his eyes trying to drown out the outside world. His head was aching and he was just about on the brink of tears. After two emergent surgeries and millions of consults, he couldn't wait to let sleep overcome his exhausted body. Sighing, he flipped his body so it was facing the white wall. There was the muffled sound of someone snoring in the bunk above him causing Derek to chuckle despite himself. Quickly suppressing it, he shifted again so he was staring to the endless rows of black iron bars.

Thoughts from the night before flashed through his head as he laid there in the on-call room. He had been dreaming of that night for weeks. For so long, he had wanted to be with her the way they once were. All he wanted to do was forget that Addison ever came to Seattle. And then it hit him- the guilt. Shame swelled in his gut, and as hard as he tried, he couldn't get his wife out of his head. Derek had betrayed her.

Then there was Meredith.

She had been so broken after their break-up, and she was finally getting her life back in order. For the past few weeks, the icy stares Christina had been giving him lately had decreased, and he was sure Meredith was coming to work less exhausted and teary-eyed.

How could he let this happen? Why was it that he always found ways of hurting the women that he loved the most?

But now there was no doubt in his mind about it. Meredith was the one- if only she would realize that they were meant for each other. All she was worried about was letting the events of the night before go unnoticed- act as if they didn't happen in the first place.

And that was what hurt him the most. She had moved on, and he- supposedly- was moving on. Was there any way that they could go back to the way they once were? Could they ever be those people who were so madly and deeply in love before Addison arrived?

Derek thumbed the watch on his wrist- the one Addison had given him for their first anniversary and heaved a sigh.

_There was no way._

---

For the remainder of her shift, Meredith did the best she could to avoid Addison. She did, however, know she was avoiding the inevitable. So as she sat at the bar at Joe's, she wasn't at all surprised when a very drunk Addison came up behind her.

"I've been looking for you everywhere." Addison started throwing herself onto the barstool beside Meredith, "You know… you're a very tough women to find."

Meredith nodded taking a sip of her drink, "I've been told that before."

Addison tossed her hair back behind her shoulder and smiled at the young intern, "I was supposed to meet Derek here for a drink tonight. Actually, I was supposed to meet him here for a drink last night, but he never showed up. So I guess this is his feeling sorry for me." She sighed placing her hand over Meredith's, "At any rate, I think we need to talk."

Meredith looked up shocked like a deer in the headlights, "Look… I can explain."

"No need for explaining. It's not your fault."

"Oh… but I really think it is."

"You're a pretty girl Meredith and a sweet one to top in all off. You can't help it if men are interested in you. I just was wondering if you had any ideas." Addison paused, "To get Derek's attention, I mean."

"Oh, Addison, I really don't know if I'm the right person to be asking about this."

"You're the perfect person Meredith seeing as my damn husband can't keep his fucking eyes off of you." Addison nearly screamed on the brink of tears.

"Alright." Meredith responded not wanting to get Addison angrier than she already was, "I just think you need to be yourself. Derek can see when you're not being yourself." She smiled at the crying women but glanced to the door at the sound of the bells. Derek stood there- the light from the street casting a soft glow on his pale skin. He was soaking wet and held an umbrella in his hand. Walking over to the two women, Derek's heart began to beat faster fearing the worse. Meredith shook her head, and Derek breathed a sigh of relief.

"Hey." Addison said smiling up at her husband as she wiped the tears from her eyes, "I thought you weren't going to show."

Derek ran a hand through his wife's hair, "I wouldn't do that to you again." He replied planting a soft kiss on her forehead, "Why don't you go find us a booth, and I'll get us both something to drink."

Addison nodded, "Okay," She whispered.

As Addison walked away, Derek turned to Meredith, "Thank you." He mouthed to her, and Meredith nodded. The two were silent for a moment as Derek stood there waiting for Joe to fix their drinks. Breaking the silence, Derek turned to Meredith, "She's a mess."

"Yeah."

"You don't think she suspects anything do you?"

Meredith shook her head, "Not about last night, but she does suspect that you're not interested in her anymore. You need to stop staring, Derek. She's your wife. You need to make her feel wanted. You need to make her feel as if your world would stop if she weren't in your life."

Derek glanced over at her. Addison sat there her head in her hands. When she realized that he was looking at her, she looked up giving him a slight smile. Meredith watched the two, "I think you should take her home and put her to bed. She doesn't need that drink."

Meredith was doing her best to hold back the tears, and as she watched Derek walk over to Addison with empty hands she did her best to avoid hysterics. As the two walked past the counter, Derek turned to Joe quickly mouthing to him.

_If it gets bad, call me._

Joe nodded, and Derek and Addison left the bar- the door swinging shut behind them.

---

"Joe…." sob, "please...another."

Joe stood behind the counter his back still turned to Meredith. She huffed and struggled to get up- the liquor affecting her tiny body drastically. Turning around, she became instantly aware of Derek standing in the doorway of the bar. "Joe…."

Derek walked up to the two of them, "Thank you for calling me." He said sitting down on a stool.

"You called him! What gives you the right to call him! I'm a grown woman! You don't need to go calling me help every time I get drunk. I mean you could have called a cab, but my ex-boyfriend? Seriously, Joe? Seriously?"

"I told him to call me if you couldn't drive yourself home." Derek said vouching for Joe, "I didn't want you driving yourself if you were seriously intoxicated."

Meredith laughed nearly causing herself to choke, "You called him of all people. What are you stupid?" She paused giving Derek a dirty look, "You know what happened the last time you let him take me home when I got drunk? He slept with me. He seduced me and slept with me. Son of a bitch, married Derek slept with me last night, and you know what? It's all your fault."

Joe stood there shocked at the two, and the tears started to fall. Meredith turned to Derek, "He wasn't supposed to know that, was he?"

Derek shook his head wrapping his arms around her, "No. He wasn't."

---

A/N: _So Meredith's feeling a little more uneasy about what happened between her and Derek. She wants him so badly, but she knows that he's not her's to have. Derek, wants Meredith just as badly as Meredith wants him, but is to terrified to let go of Addison. Life with Addison is safe. It's not nearly as confusing as his relationship with Meredith. So Derek's trying really hard to save his marriage, but he's still showing how much he cares for Meredith. Oh... and that scene at the end where Joe finds out. Don't worry too much about it. I don't even bring it up in the next chapter. I just wanted to use it to show how upset Meredith was by allowing her to let her guard down. _

_So, I 'll let you in on a little secret... this is last transition chapter for a while. Next chapter something major is going to happen. Talk to you all next Friday, hopefully. Other than that, please comment!!!!!!!_

_Franny XX_


	6. World Spins Madly On

A/N: Hey guys, sorry I didn't get this posted last Friday, but I was being really lazy and didn't get anymore written. The sadest part is I only got two chapters written over break- that's the same as how many I wrote during Thanksgiving break. Anyway, as promised, this is a **huge** chapter, so I hope you guys think it was worth the wait. By the way... even though I only have two chapters written past this, I think I'm going to post another chapter next week. If I decide against it, I'll leave a message in my profile. One other thing, when you read this chapter, you really should listen to the "World Spins Madly On" by the Weepies(look it up on Youtube), it fits perfectly-especially with the first part. Other than that, happy reading!!!!!!!!!!

---

"_Woke up and wished that I was dead  
With an aching in my head  
I lay motionless in bed  
I thought of you and where you'd gone  
And let the world spin madly on"_

World Spins Madly On--The Weepies

_One Month Later…_

Maybe this was the way things were meant to be. Perhaps it was best for the two of them to completely avoid all contact with each other- avoid any temptation that might exist. Derek had a responsibility to keep his marriage together, and all Meredith wanted to do was to help him keep that vow.

However, as she stood in the shower, the warm water pelting down her back, she couldn't help thinking about him. All the memories from the year before came flooding back, and Meredith yearned for things to be the way they once were. She wished that Derek was hers. She longed to feel needed and loved by somebody.

By Derek.

Meredith was shaken out of her thoughts when she heard a knock at the door. Turning off the water, she pulled a towel off the rack and wrapped it around herself. Peering out the door, she called out, "What is it?"

From the other side of her bedroom door, she could hear Izzie's voice, "I'm running to the supermarket for a few last minute things. Could you do me a favor and watch the turkey?"

Sighing, Meredith replied, "I'm going in today."

"On Thanksgiving?" Izzie questioned slighting baffled.

Walking into the bedroom to meet Izzie, she answered, "Yes, on Thanksgiving. Just because it's a national holiday doesn't mean that people stop needing surgery. As a matter of fact, more people get hurt on holidays than any other days. George and his crazy family's hunting a turkey for example…"

Izzie rolled her eyes, "Just because his family is crazy enough to go out to kill their own turkey doesn't mean everybody else is that nuts."

"Needless to say, I'm still on the schedule, so I'm going in." Meredith walked over to her dresser pulling out a bra and panties. Glancing around the room, she turned back to Izzie, "Hey, have you seen the jeans I was wearing yesterday? I could swear I left them on the rocker."

"I threw them in the washer for you. So, are you going to be home in time for dinner at least?" She inquired, changing the subject. Meredith walked back into her bathroom to change, and Izzie continued, "Because if your not, it's only going to be George, Christina, Burke, and me. Not to mention, Christina will kill you if you don't show up."

"Christina's working today, too. But, yes, I'll be home in time for dinner. Although I wish I wasn't going to be," she muttered under her breath.

"Okay, then I'm going to go to the store. You don't need anything, right?" Izzie asked one last time.

"Nope."

"I guess I'll see you later then, and by the way… you're welcome," Izzie said shutting the door and leaving Meredith to herself.

Meredith turned the water on in the sink, letting the warm water wash over her hands. Glancing up into the mirror, she heaved a sigh. The steam was beginning to fog the mirror making it almost impossible for her to see her reflection. Sinking down onto the cold tile floor, she squeezed her eyes shut.

How could she have let this happen?

---

Meredith ran down the hall of Seattle Grace trying to check the many voicemails Izzie had left for her throughout the day. Once she reached the locker-room, she stopped, her hand lingering on the door. There he was again- looking at her, just like she asked him not to.

Giving her a slight smile, Derek called out, "Have a nice holiday, Dr. Grey."

"You too," she replied barely above a whisper.

As she pushed the door open, Meredith finally got to her voicemail box. She couldn't help laughing as Izzie frantically listed everything she needed her to pick up before she came home. Meredith knew Izzie took the holidays seriously, but their importance to her was almost comical.

Opening her locker, Meredith peered over its contents- her eyes settling on the white plastic bag in the far corner. Grabbing it as well as her purse and her jacket, she slammed her locker shut.

She was almost relieved to have an excuse to go home. If Derek had a wife to go home to, why shouldn't she have something to look forward to also? Although Izzie's neurotic Thanksgiving celebration was the only thing she had to look forward to, it was still something, and Meredith was extremely thankful for it.

When she opened the door to the locker-room, Meredith noticed instantly that Derek had left. Turning the corner to make her way toward the parking lot, she caught a glimpse of Addison and Derek leaving the building, hand in hand, with smiles painted on their faces.

---

"Hey did you-"

"Yeah, here they are," Meredith said shoving the grocery bag in Izzie's face before running up the stairs. Izzie was about to call up to her when she heard the door to Meredith's bedroom slam shut.

"What's wrong with her?" Christina questioned, coming up behind Izzie.

Turning to face her, Izzie answered, "I'm not quite sure. She just came in and went straight up to her room. Should I go up to talk to her-try to find out what's bothering her?"

Christina shook her head, "Why don't you give her a few minutes. Maybe it's something she can work out on her own. You don't want to smother her." Izzie started to walk up the stairs despite Christina's warning, but Christina grabbed her arm. "Just a few minutes Izzie. If she doesn't come down in a half an hour, I'll go up to try to find out what's wrong."

Izzie nodded, "Okay. A few minutes."

With that, the two headed toward the kitchen where everybody was gathering for Thanksgiving dinner. As soon as they entered the room, George asked where Meredith was. "She's getting cleaned up," Christina replied, grabbing her glass of wine off the counter. "She asked if we would give her a few minutes before we eat."

Izzie threw herself onto a chair next to the island, "I don't know, Christina. She just didn't seem right. Are you sure she's okay? I really think somebody should go up there and check on her."

Christina's eyes narrowed, "Like I said, she asked for a few minutes of _peace and quiet_. That's means no going up to check on her."

"Are you sure?"

"Am I sure?" Christina questioned cocking and eyebrow. "Pretty damn sure." She took a sip of her wine, "Just leave her alone, Izzie."

"I think Christina's right," George added.

Izzie rolled her eyes, "Yeah, whatever." Leaning back in the chair, it hit her, "Crap! Has anybody been basting the turkey?" she questioned running over to the oven. Opening the oven door, she was met by a cloud of smoke. "Oh God, my Thanksgiving dinner," she sobbed.

Burke walked over to consol her. "It looks fine," he said inspecting the bird. "It should be fine to eat. Just a little dry, that's all. Take it out now, and I'll carve it. Everything will taste wonderful, you'll see."

Looking at the clock, Christina added, "I think I'm going to go call Meredith for dinner. I'll be right back."

Christina placed her wine glass on the counter and left the group to the preparations. Jogging up the stairs, Christina stopped at the top. As she looked down the hallway, she could see the faint light coming from Meredith's room. She came closer to the door and knocked on it gently. On the other side, she could here muffled sobs and Meredith's weak reply. "Who is it?" she questioned.

Meredith continued to sob even harder. As Christina made her way across the room, she couldn't help noticing the plastic bag from the local pharmacy sitting on the bed.

Pushing the door to the bathroom open, Christina came face to face with her crying friend. "Are you okay?"

In one hand, Meredith held a box and in the other, a little white stick. On the counter there were five other boxes with little white sticks beside them. Walking over to Meredith, she slid herself down beside her.

"Oh, honey," she said wrapping her arms around her best friend.

"What am I going to do?"

---

_Told you it was a big one. So Meredith just got a real shocker... she's pregnant, and she's known for quite a while. It's just that reality really sunk in when she saw that pregnancy test. Add that to seeing McDreamy and Satan together, and you've got one really depressed Meredith. Anyway, I promise that this fic won't stay too depressing for much longer- dramatic but not angsty._

_Anyway, please review!!!!!!!!!!!_

_Fran XX_


	7. Fire of Hesitation

A/N: Hey guys, sorry I didn't get to post this on Friday. I didn't get a chance to talk to my beta until today. Just for future reference, if I don't say in advance that I'm not going to update, I'll write a note in my profile on Thursday or Friday night at the latest. As for the next chapter, I have it written, but I'm not sure whether or not I want to post it on Friday yet. I have the beginning of chapter 9 finished, but I'd feel alot better if I had it finished before posting chapter 8. Anyway, I'll keep you guys posted. I should be able to work on it this week. I have midterms so we get out early. I guess that time is really for studying, but I think I'll just use the time to write. I really don't need to start studying till about 3. Okay, so I'll stop babbling and let you guys get on with the story. Please R./R.

---

"_I have seen fear. I have seen faith.  
Seen the look of anger on your face.  
And if you want to talk about what will be,  
Come and sit with me, and cry on my shoulder,  
I'm a friend."_

Cry--James Blunt

It was like she had just been smacked in the face- the fog that clouded her mind for the past week lifting just before she hit the wall. Reality sank in, and all Meredith could do was sit there stunned and speechless. She had suspected it, but the possibility that it could actually be true never occurred to her.

Her body shook as she glanced back down at the pregnancy test in her hand. She needed to be sure. She had to be certain that her eyes weren't deceiving her. But as Meredith looked at the test for a second time, there was no doubt in her mind.

_I'm pregnant. _

The thought played in her head over and over again, weaving in circles until it made her dizzy and sick. Leaning back against the bathroom wall, Meredith closed her eyes hoping it was simply a bad dream. She prayed being rolled up in a ball on her bathroom floor was just a nightmare. Opening her eyes, tears started to well up. It wasn't a dream.

Just when things were starting to look up, everything tumbled back down. For the past month, Meredith had been trying to put the past behind her and move on. But now, as she sat on the floor with Cristina, it was as if God was playing a sick joke on her.

Cristina grasped Meredith's shaking hand. Weaving her fingers with Meredith's, she squeezed her hand gently. "Shhhh…." she hummed. "It'll be alright. Everything will be alright." She pulled herself up to her knees and wrapped her arms around Meredith. "It's okay. Everything will be okay."

Meredith trembled in Cristina's arms, and Cristina instinctually pulled Meredith closer to her. Putting her head on Cristina's shoulder, Meredith sighed, the tears falling. "What am I going to do?" she questioned, looking up at her friend expectantly. Cristina's face was expressionless. She gave Meredith a slight shrug. "This was the last thing that I needed right now," Meredith muttered.

Her body started to quiver, and Cristina placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Sometimes things happen that we have no way of stopping. We just have to take those situations and make the best of them."

She took the pregnancy test from Meredith's hand and threw it in the trash can beside her. Reaching up to the bathroom counter, Cristina got a tissue and handed it to Meredith. "Thanks," Meredith mumbled, using it to wipe the tears from her eyes.

Cristina watched as Meredith tried to gain her composure, which seemed almost impossible. Inching herself closer to her, she wrapped her arms around Meredith once more, "Look, Meredith, everything will be okay. We just need to take everything one-step at a time. I mean, is that the only test that's positive? Did you even check the others? " She stood up and examined the rest of the pregnancy tests on the counter. Turning to Meredith, Cristina smiled at her, "There's no doubt that you're knocked up." Meredith burst into tears.

Cristina placed a hand on her knee, "Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. We'll deal with this. I'll help you get through this." She paused, smiling at Meredith, "I promise, I'm not going to make you do this alone."

"What am I going to tell him?" Meredith whispered.

Cristina's head shot up. "Who?" she questioned, cocking an eyebrow. "McDreamy?" Meredith nodded, her eyes welling up with tears. "Oh Mer," Cristina sighed. "We'll figure something out. I promise."

Meredith moaned squeezing her eyes shut. Her head hurt. This was too much to deal with. She wasn't supposed to be that person who got pregnant during her internship, and she certainly wasn't supposed to be that girl whose married boss got her pregnant. Pulling her knees closer to her body, Meredith began to sob even harder.

---

Standing at the top of the stairs, Meredith listened to everybody talking in the kitchen. She could do this. She could stay calm and collected for the remainder of the night. Cristina glanced over to her nervous friend and took Meredith's hand in hers. Squeezing it gently, she whispered, "It will be fine Mer. You just need to get through dinner. We can worry about the rest later." Meredith nodded, and the two began to make their way down.

Hearing the sound of their footsteps, Izzie called out from the kitchen, "Is Meredith coming down with you?"

Cristina looked at Meredith and rolled her eyes. "Yes," she replied. "She's right here."

Entering the kitchen, she let go of Meredith's hand and made her way over to Burke. He had finished carving the turkey and was helping George set the table. Meredith looked frightened, and Cristina gestured to Izzie. "Help her," she mouthed.

Meredith took the plates off the counter and handed them to George so that he could finish setting the table. She turned to Izzie, "Is there anything you need me to do?"

Izzie looked around the kitchen trying to find a task for Meredith, "Nope. I think everything is just about done. Why don't you help Burke and George finish setting the table?"

"Okay," Meredith whispered, walking toward the dining room.

Izzie spun around to face Meredith, "Hey, are you okay? You don't seem like yourself."

Meredith nodded, "Yeah, just dandy."

She grabbed the remaining place settings off the counter and handed them to George who was coming to get them. Closing her eyes, she leaned against the counter. _Just through dinner_, she told herself. _You just need to get through dinner._

"Are you sure you're okay?"

Meredith looked up to a worried Izzie, "Yes, Izzie. I'm fine. Just tired, that's all. It was a rough shift. I just want to eat dinner and go to bed." She watched Izzie for a moment trying to determine if she bought it. When Izzie didn't say anything, she started toward the table.

"Mer?" Izzie questioned, "Could you do me a favor and bring the potatoes into the dining room?" Meredith walked back into the kitchen, and Izzie handed her the dish. "Thanks, Mer," she told the retreating figure.

Meredith set the bowl down and threw herself onto one of the seats at the table. George was sitting in the seat across from her watching Izzie who was still finishing some last minute things in the kitchen. He turned to Meredith. "Did you have a rough shift?" he questioned. Meredith looked at him puzzled, and he tried to explain himself. "It's just… you were in your room an awfully long time." Across the room, Cristina's head shot up. "I figured it must have been a rough shift."

Cristina walked toward the table and sat beside Meredith, "Yeah. It must have been. When I went up there, she was fast asleep. I practically had to pull her out of bed to come and eat dinner."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Mer."

"Yeah, well, you know its part of the job," Cristina interjected. George nodded and went into the kitchen to Izzie who was calling for his help.

Meredith turned to Cristina, "Thank you."

---

She was trying so hard.

As he sat on the couch in his trailer watching his wife make Thanksgiving dinner, that's what he had to remind himself. She was trying so hard to make them that perfect Thanksgiving dinner. She was trying so hard to give him the space he needed.

She was trying so hard to save their marriage.

Addison moved swiftly among the pots and pans in their small kitchen. The number of things she was trying to manage was almost comical. Forcing himself off the couch, Derek suppressed a laugh. "Are you sure you don't need any help?" he questioned.

Turning to him, Addison shook her head, "No. _I_ want to make _you_ dinner. I want to make you dinner all by myself."

"Okay, if you say so," he responded with a chuckle. Derek wrapped his arms around her planting kisses on her neck. Pausing for a moment in thought, he turned her around to face him. "I think I'm going to go for a walk. Is there any chance that this lovely kitchen could spare you for a half an hour?"

Sighing, Addison replied, "I don't know, Derek. The turkey should be done in about an hour, so I really should be getting the potatoes and everything else ready. I don't want to burn anything. This dinner needs to be perfect."

"So you're telling me that a perfect Thanksgiving dinner is more important than time with you're husband?"

Addison slapped him playfully, "I never said that."

Gathering his coat, Derek gave his wife his McDreamy smile. "You'd better get your coat, then. It is awfully chilly out tonight."

Sighing, Addison set the spoon she was holding down and went over to the closet to grab her coat. Sliding the coat on, she turned to Derek, "You know… if I burn this dinner, it's your fault."

Derek shrugged leading her out the door and into the twilight. "It's okay," he laughed, "I like Chinese food."

---

_So Meredith's a rock in a hard place (is that the expression?). Her whole life is going to change now, and she's having alot of trouble dealing with it. To an extent, I'd say she's still almost in denial. She has the proof now, but that doesn't change the fact that she has serious issues concerning her relationship with Derek._

_And as for Derek, I'm not quite sure what he's trying to do (Hey, the characters just talk to me and tell me what to write). He wants to work things out with Addison, but part of that is because Meredith asked him to. That's why he asked Addison to go on a walk with him. He needs to try- for both Meredith and Addison's sakes. Deep down in his gut he knows that he wants to be with Meredith, but that doesn't change the fact that she _doesn't_ want to be with him. _

_So hopefully I'll get a chance to update next week. Other than that, please review!!!!!!!!!! They mean so much to me. You have no idea how much I enjoy getting them._

_Luv ya,_

_Franny XX_


	8. We Seem to Never End

A/N: Okay, so this is going to be a rather long author's note because I feel as if I haven't updated in forever. If I start to bore you, please feel free to skip over my ramblings and move onto the story...anyway, I'm so sorry it took so long to post this. I've been really busy lately and haven't had the time to write. I have one more chapter written after this, and then that's it. I think I'm going to post it next week-if I get around to it. After that, you guys may be waiting a while for updates-maybe two weeks to a month. My schedule's crazy, but I promise I'll do the best I can- I have a long weekend so maybe I'll get some writing done over it.

The only other thing I would like to address is some angry reviews I got because of the last chapter. I'm sorry if some of you are disappointed with the Addek that is going on in this part of the story, but it has to happen for the story to progress. I promise that it won't last for too long. I'm a Merder fan. I don't think I'd be able to handle a completely Addek story. I warn you that it will get worse before it gets better, so with that, I ask you to please R/R- no flames please. Constructive Critiscm is one thing, but simply telling me you don't like the story is another.

---

"_So, we're alone again  
__I wish it were over  
__We seem to never end  
__Only get closer  
__To the point where I can take no more"  
_Closer-- Joshua Radin

The woods were silent except for the sound of the leaves crunching under their feet as they trudged along. She walked a few paces behind Derek allowing him to clear a path for them. Carefully moving a branch off to the side so that it wouldn't scratch her, he turned to Addison. "This isn't at all awkward," he chuckled. "You really don't like anything that has to do with nature, do you?"

Addison's head shot up, the sound of his voice surprising her. "What?" she questioned confused by what he was talking about.

"Walks…nature…not one of your favorite pastimes?"

Shrugging, she replied, "Well, let's just say the closest I ever came to woods growing up were the trees in central park. You have to remember, Derek, I didn't grow up in Connecticut like you did."

Derek cocked an eyebrow, "Who are you trying to kid, Addi? For the ten years that we lived in New York, I never once saw you go to central park for a walk. Your idea of a long walk is going on a shopping spree at Saks."

"Yeah…well…even if that were true, I was willing to go on a walk just to be with you. Doesn't that mean something?" she asked in her own defense.

Derek nodded, walking further into the woods, "I guess it does account for something." Stopping for a moment, he turned to her. "Could you walk any slower?" he teased. "For having such long legs, you sure don't walk very fast."

With that, she picked up her pace. Catching up to Derek, Addison wrapped her arms around his body causing him to stop. A teasing smile played at the corner of his lips. He was about to say something to her, but he bit his tongue.

Some things were better left unsaid.

That's what he had learned over the past month. If he was going to truly try to save his marriage, he would have to learn that things weren't the same as they once were. Derek couldn't tease Addison the way he once had. Things were different now. She was worried that he didn't want to save their marriage, and that was all Derek really wanted.

He wanted his life to be somewhat normal again.

"Hey are you okay?" Addison questioned after several moments of silence between them.

Derek turned to face her, "Yeah. Why?"

Grabbing his hand, she shrugged, "I don't know. You just seem quiet- too quiet. I thought something might be bothering you."

He shook his head as he sat down on the trunk of a fallen tree, "I'm fine. I was just thinking. That's all."

"Okay. If you say so," she said letting the subject go. Sitting down beside him, Addison looked at the silver Tiffany watch on her wrist. "We really should be heading back. The turkey was supposed to be done in an hour, and we've been out here for an hour and fifteen minutes. It's probably really dry, if not burnt, by now."

Derek stood up and looked down the now dark path, "Let's go."

He took her hand, his fingers intertwining with hers. When they came in contact with the cool metal of her rings, he let go. He took her hand once more, running his fingers over her wedding ring and then her engagement ring. A smile played at the corner of Addison's lips. As they walked along the path, she questioned, "Do you remember when you proposed?"

"How could I forget?"

"We were in the driveway of your mother's house. We were just leaving after Christmas dinner when you turned to me," she recalled, her eyes lighting up at the mere thought of that moment. "Do you remember what you said to me?" Addison asked.

"Maybe we should get married."

Addison giggled, "Yes. That was it. It was nothing special. You didn't even have a ring. I mean… God… it wasn't even a real proposal, but it meant so much to me. It couldn't have been more perfect. It was your way of doing things, and that's what I loved about it."

The clearing came into view, the trailer at the far end of it, and Derek added, "We were so young. We weren't even in Med. School yet."

She nodded in agreement, but reminded him, "We were so nervous about it. You know…getting married young. But it seemed so right, and I mean, look at were we are now."

"Yeah, look at where we are now," Derek muttered under his breath. Leading Addison to the trailer, he laughed, "Well it doesn't look like you caused a fire."

She slapped him, "Jackass."

"You're telling me that you're not surprised?" he inquired, opening the door to the trailer and walking into the kitchen.

Addison pushed past him so she could have a look at the turkey before he could. Sighing in relief, she looked at him, a smile stretched across her face, "It's fine. It's been in there for just enough time, actually."

"Damn it," Derek said in disappointment, "I was looking forward to Chinese food."

---

"So…how are you going to tell him? _Are_ you going to tell him?"

Meredith shrugged and took the plate from Cristina's hand, "I don't know. I haven't given it any thought. Do you think I should?"

Cristina looked at her puzzled. She was quiet for a moment as she picked up the stack of plates on the island and placed them in the sink. Filling it with more water, Cristina responded, "I don't know. I guess it depends on what you decide to do. If you decide to abort it, there's no need to tell him. On the other hand, if you decide to go through with it, you're going to have to tell him. You don't want him to find out by seeing his ex come into the hospital looking like an elephant."

"Do you really think that I'll look like an elephant?"

"That's what you're worried about?" Cristina chuckled, handing Meredith another plate to dry. "Trust me that is the least of your worries."

"Don't remind me."

Meredith pulled a stool out from under the island and threw herself on it. The rest of her houseguests laughed happily, in the other room, while she and Christina were in the kitchen doing the dishes. What had ever possessed Cristina to volunteer to do them was beyond Meredith, but she needed to talk to her friend desperately.

As she sat there, Meredith could hear the muffled sound of Cristina's voice, while her own thoughts were the only thing she was able to register. There was no way she could tell him. She had promised herself to give him the space he needed to fix things with Addison.

A baby would defiantly complicate that.

"I don't think you should tell him for awhile. I think you should wait it out- give yourself a little more time before you make a decision."

Standing up, Meredith sighed wrapping her arms around Cristina, "I don't know. I just don't know." She looked at her friend pleadingly, "Please. Just tell me what to do."

---

**Two Weeks Later:**

_I… can… do this._

He stood at the end of the hall, a chart in his hand as he talked to one of the scrub nurses. They seemed pretty deep in conversation, and Meredith assumed that they were discussing one of his surgeries. Not wanting to interrupt, she turned on her heel, aborting her mission.

He could just about make out her figure from the corner of his eye. She had been standing there for quite some time trying to muster up the courage to come to speak to him. Noticing her retreating figure, Derek called out to her, "Did you need something Dr. Grey?"

She looked up surprised at the sound of her name. When she realized that it was Derek who had spoken, she replied instantly, "No. Well yes, but it isn't anything really urgent. I'll talk to you about it later."

Closing the chart and mumbling something to the scrub nurse, he smiled at her, "All done." He approached her and took in her rumpled appearance. "So what did you need to tell me?"

"Could we talk somewhere in private?" she questioned, her hands starting to shake.

Derek glanced down and saw how she was trying to hide them from his eyes. "Meredith, what's wrong," he asked, his voice laced with concern.

Meredith shook her head, tears starting to fall, "Nothing. Could we please just talk in private?"

"Okay." Derek led her down the hallway. Stopping at the end of it, he turned to one of the storage closets and pulled the door open. Meredith stood there for a moment confused. "Is this okay?" Derek questioned, trying to do anything to make her feel more comfortable-to make her calm down.

Meredith shrugged, "I guess so."

Derek took Meredith's hands. They were cold and trembling from what Derek guessed where nerves. He hummed trying to sooth her, but it seemed hopeless. Weaving his fingers with hers, something felt different. Something about it felt special.

There was that comfortable feeling that he was missing when he was with Addison.

"What do you need to tell me?" Derek inquired after Meredith calmed down.

Wiping the tears from her eyes, Meredith warned him, "There's no easy way to say this."

"Look, whatever it is, we'll deal with it."

Tears started to stream down Meredith's face once more and she sank to the floor. "Shit."

"What is it, Mer?"

She couldn't do it. She couldn't ruin everything he had been working so hard to repair for the past month. He deserved so much more. He deserved someone better.

He deserved Addison.

Derek approached her quivering body. Lowering himself to her level, he reassured Meredith, "It's okay. You don't need to tell me now." He wrapped his arms around her, and she placed her head on his shoulder.

The two sat there in silence, neither of them wanting to utter a word. Tears continued to stream down Meredith's face as she tried to muster up the courage to tell him. He looked at her, his eyes so endearing, and she melted. Maybe if she told him, he would be hers. Maybe if she told him that she was carrying his baby, he would leave Addison and spend the rest of his life with her…

Meredith closed her eyes. She _could _do this. Looking up into the deep pools of blue, she whispered, "I'm pregnant."

"Wait. What?"

…Maybe she was dreaming.

---

_So Addison and Derek are both really trying hard to save their marriage, but both of them know that there's not much they can do. It's over. Everything that they do now is superficial and done just to say that they're trying. _

_As for Meredith, she finally mustered up the courage to tell Derek. _You'll just have to wait till next chapter to find out what is reaction is...

A little Merder in this chapter and a whole lotta Addek... please, though, just trust me.

Franny XX


	9. Lost in My Dreams

A/N: Okay, so I'm soooo sorry it took me so long to get this up. I've had a really hard time getting in touch with my beta so that it would be edited before I posted it. I'd like to thank Tiffany for her help with this chapter and being my "second set of eyes". Also, just a heads up. I've got a little written for the next chapter, but it's very rough. Next chapter is a huge transition chapter, and I'm having alot of trouble writing it. So... if you review maybe I'll be a little more encouraged to write. Minimal Addek in this chapter- I know it was starting to get to alot of you. Looking into the future, there's going to be only a few more Addek scenes before everything climaxes- trust me it will be worth the wait. Okay, I'm going to stop rambling now. Happy Reading!!

"_By my side  
You'll never be  
_

_Cause I'm fake at the seams  
I'm lost in my dreams  
And I  
I want you to know_

_That I can't let you go"_

Swans--Unkle Bob

Her eyes followed him as he paced the length of the small storage closet. He took long strides and seemed to be mumbling something to himself. Light streamed in through the crack in the door casting a soft glow on his hunched over body. Sitting in the corner, her legs pulled tightly to her chest, Meredith could just about see his face. It was expressionless.

In reality, Meredith expected Derek to react exactly as he did, but then there was that part of her that hoped he would sweep off her feet. There was that part of her that prayed that he'd decide to leave Addison and ride off with her into the sunset.

She kept her eyes focused on him, and finally he sat back down beside her without uttering a word.

Meredith let him sit there for a moment lost in his thoughts before making him come back to the present. "Say something," she pleaded the darkness.

She heard Derek sigh as he reached up to pull the scrub cap off his head. Squeezing it tightly in his hand, he replied, "Are you sure?"

"I wouldn't tell you if I wasn't sure."

"So you took a test? Did you go to your GYN yet? You know, sometimes you can get false positives," he added hoping maybe that was the case. They were not ready for this. _He_ was not ready for this.

And she was sure as hell not ready for this.

Derek wanted to be with her, and he was sure of that now. But he didn't want it to be under these circumstances. He wanted to have a baby with her _someday_- someday in the distant future when she wouldn't think that he was staying with her for the sake of the baby-

not to mention that he needed to end his marriage first.

He turned to look at Meredith, and her eyes were wide, tears streaming down her face, "I haven't gone yet, but I'm sure Derek. Home pregnancy tests are pretty reliable nowadays." She began to laugh despite the tears, "Plus, _five_ false positives?"

Derek cocked an eyebrow, "Five?"

Meredith nodded, "Yeah. I wanted to be sure."

"So…"

Meredith ran her hands over her eyes wiping away the tears, "So…"

"What are we going to do?"

She shrugged and pulled at a loose string hanging from the hem of her scrub pants, "I don't know, Derek. This wasn't supposed to happen. You have a wife. And I…I have to finish my internship. The timing…. it's just all wrong. I can't do this. _We_ can't do this." Sighing, she continued. "Because…well… there is no 'we', Derek. There can't be. It has to be you and Addison- not you and me. This whole thing that's been going on with us for the past six months has got to end. It's got to end here. You have to go back to your wife, and I…I have a decision to make- one that doesn't involve you."

Derek scrubbed his face trying to comprehend all that she was telling him, "So if I have no say in the matter, why did you even bother telling me?" No response, "Meredith?"

"I… I honestly don't know. I don't know what I was thinking. It's just," she sobbed, "the past few weeks have been the most confusing of my entire life. I don't know what to think anymore, Derek. I don't know what to do anymore."

"Look, Mer," he said enveloping her in his arms. "I can't make this decision for you. I know that, and you made it perfectly clear that the last say was up to you. But I can tell you this, I'll support any decision that you make."

She looked up at him with her big green eyes, "If I don't decide to abort it Derek, you can't tell Addison. You can't tell Addison that the baby is yours. Promise me Derek. I need you to promise me that."

He sighed and shook his head, "I don't know if I can do that, Mer."

"Derek, you can't tell me that. I need you to stay with Addison. I can't have you ruining everything you've been working so hard for because of one drunken night. You need to promise me that no matter what I decide that you'll leave me alone. I need things to stay the way they are."

"I don't think things will ever go back to the way they were," he told her grasping her knee and squeezing it gently.

Pulling away Meredith shook her head. She couldn't do it. She refused to be the reason that everything in Derek's life came tumbling down even though her life was caving in. He had a wife, a perfect wife, who loved him.

"Derek, I need to deal with this alone." She pushed herself up off the ground and made her way toward the door. Pulling the door open, she turned to face Derek, "We'll talk about this later once we've had time to digest everything." Meredith gave him a slight smile, but the only thing that Derek noticed was the mascara tears that continued to stream down her face.

How could he have done this to her?

Her body shook slightly as she sat on the cold bench outside the hospital. Tears welled up in her eyes, but she instantly brushed them away before they had a chance to fall. She had to be strong. She couldn't falter. Meredith had a decision to make- a decision that scared her to death.

She wasn't ready for a baby. She probably would never be ready for a baby, yet here she was sitting alone and pregnant.

Meredith felt like she was back in high school making that decision that was way over her head. She was that girl standing in the bathroom, a pregnancy test the only thing standing in the way of her future. _We only slept together once_, she tells herself. _And he promised… the likelihood of getting pregnant is slim to none._

Yeah right.

How could she have been so naïve? As Meredith sat on the bench, she realized she only had two choices. She could either have the baby and give it up for adoption or abort it. There was no way she could keep it. That would just turn everything upside down.

Closing her eyes, she ran her sweaty palms across the fabric of her scrub pants. The tears started to trickle down her face. She bit her lip trying to suppress the urge to sob, but it was useless.

There was just no way.

It began to drizzle, and Meredith pushed herself up hesitantly from the bench. Standing there for a moment, she stared at the ominous hospital in front of her. She couldn't do it. She couldn't force herself to go back in there and face him again. There was no way she could handle his constant prodding for an answer. Rain began to pour, and Meredith stood there motionless. Her limbs felt limp. She couldn't get herself to move, and then she saw him coming through the sliding doors, a jacket and briefcase in hand.

Pivoting on her heel, Meredith left behind all ideas of returning to work. The rain continued to fall in heavy sheets around her, and she began to run. Her feet slapped the wet concrete causing water to splash the bottom of her scrub pants.

She had to get away.

A/N: _So Derek's really at a loss. He wants to stay with Meredith, but doesn't want Meredith to think that it's only because of the baby. On top of that, Meredith could make the decision to abort the baby. And Meredith... Meredith needs to make a decision looking from both sides of view. She needs to do what's best for her, and , what she feels, is best for Derek in the long run. Both Derek and Meredith have a huge amount to think about, and whether they do that or simply revert to avoidance is the question left up in the air._

I'll try to update soon. I'm guessing it will be in about 2 or three weeks. I'll try my best to have the chapter finished before then though.

And don't forget to review!!

FrannyXX


	10. All the Things That We Are

A/N: Hey guys... long time no see. Anyway, I'm so sorry it took me this long to get the next chapter up. I was really busy with school and then finals. After school was done, we went on vacation so I didn't have anytime to write. In any case, I'm really sorry. I'm going to try and update at least once a week during the summer. I'm hoping to have this story finished before school starts again, but we'll see how that goes. Other than that, happy reading and please review!!

--

"_Hey child, things are looking down,  
That's okay you don't need to win anyways  
Don't be afraid just eat up all the gray  
and it will fade away  
Don't let yourself fall down"_

The Great Escape--Patrick Watson

Shutting her eyes tight, Meredith attempted to drown out the world around her. Thoughts from earlier that day flooded back into her mind and left a sick feeling in her stomach. She hummed softly to herself as she rocked back and forth- their conversation from earlier consuming every corner of her mind.

Everything changed the moment Derek told her he wanted to be a part of the baby's life. The decision she was so sure about weeks ago just made her head hurt now. She had made up her mind, but as soon as he looked at her with those deep blue eyes, her defenses came tumbling down. She suddenly had second thoughts about aborting the pregnancy.

But there was no way she was ready for a baby. She was in no way ready to be a mother. Her life was a mess. Meredith was an intern, and had to deal with all the things that came along with being an intern: the eighty-hour workweeks, the sleep deprivation, and the late nights on call. Not to mention the fact that she didn't have the best maternal role model herself. She would have to learn everything on her own, and that was something Meredith wasn't quite sure she could handle.

Then she thought of Derek. She could tell that this wasn't what he would have chosen. He was trying his best to be supportive, and Meredith admired him for that. Nevertheless, his initial reaction was clear proof that he didn't want a baby.

At least not with her.

Pulling her legs up onto the seat, Meredith began to sob even harder. The cold leather stuck to her wet scrubs irritating the soft skin beneath them. She lifted her hands to her face and scrubbed her face wiping away the tears.

Meredith's body shook as she reached up and held her head in her hands. It throbbed and the world around her was beginning to spin. She pressed a hand to her temple trying to ease the pain, but her emotions overwhelmed her.

_Damn hormones!_

She slid her legs back down so they were on the floor. _This is ridiculous, _Meredith told herself trying to gain her composure. _It's not as if crying and feeling sorry for yourself is going to make the decision any easier. _Biting her bottom lip, she reached over for her purse. She pulled her wallet out and grasped it tightly. Outside, rain continued to fall in sheets, but Meredith was oblivious to it. The only thing she could see were the two business cards sitting it the front pocket of her wallet.

They looked almost the same- both small and white. But at second glance, they were polar opposites. Meredith was at a crossroad, and each represented a path she could take- a path with an unknown destination.

She sat there for what seemed like forever staring at the cards. Meredith contemplated how each one could change her life forever. Then she finally mustered up the courage. Pulling both of the cards out of their resting place, she glanced at them for a moment before crumpling one of them and throwing it in her coat pocket.

She held the other card in the palm of her hand and ran her fingers over the fine gold print. Reaching for her cell, Meredith carefully dialed the number.

"Dr. Hathaway's office. This is Marissa speaking. How may I help you?"

Meredith meant to say something. She really did, yet despite her original intentions, she felt herself pushing the end button on her cell phone. The whole thing was a blur. It was as if her subconscious was taking over her body and acting on emotions alone.

No reasoning. No thinking about the future.

She reached into her coat pocket and pulled out the crumpled business card. Taking a second glance at it, Meredith sighed. Maybe she wasn't as sure of herself as she had thought.

--

**Two Weeks Later…**

It had been a constant battle. He lay awake late at night questioning himself as to whether or not to confront Meredith or give her the space she needed to think everything over herself. That was, after all, the only thing Meredith had asked of him, right? But Derek wasn't fooling himself. If he wasn't the one to bring it up, the baby would be here before Meredith even uttered a word to him.

As he lay there next to his sleeping wife, a pang of guilt swept over him. They were finally beginning to work their problems through. They had both been trying so hard to fix their marriage. For what? To eventually just throw everything to the wolves?

Sighing, Derek leaned against the surgical board. His eyes scanned the length of the board until they zeroed in on her name. 'Dr. Grey' was scribbled haphazardly under an appy in OR 2. He was inclined to simply let the subject go and save it for another day- another day when he was sure she wouldn't be nearly as grumpy coming off a 36-hour shift.

She was avoiding him; there was no question about it in Derek's mind. Both Meredith and Derek knew deep down that this was not a subject that could simply be "avoided." Reaching up and pulling off the scrub cap that contained his unruly curls, Derek pivoted on his heal and made his way toward OR 2's gallery. They needed to talk, and Derek decided that if she wasn't going to make the first move, he would.

He pushed open the big wooden door to reveal a few scrub nurses who had decided to watch the surgery as well. Making his way toward the lower level of seats, he glanced down at the OR below him. They were closing, and as he stood there watching, he saw Meredith look up at him. Their eyes locked for a moment before Meredith shifted her gaze back to her patient, flustered. Her hands started to shake and beads of sweat began to make their way down her face.

She knew very well what he was doing in the gallery. He wanted to speak with her, and although Meredith was doing her best to ignore him, he had her cornered.

There was no avoiding the subject now.

"Are you alright Dr. Grey," Bailey questioned finishing the last suture.

Meredith glanced up at her resident and nodded, "Yes. I'm fine. Just a little warm, that's all."

Bailey seemed to have forgotten her question and was busy talking to the scrub nurse about post-op procedures. Glancing up at her tense intern, she muttered, "Dr. Grey, go make yourself useful and go talk to the family. I'll finish closing and come and meet you when I'm done."

Meredith nodded in a daze and headed toward the scrub room without showing Derek any sign of acknowledgement. Heaving a sigh, Derek pushed himself up from the plastic seat. He knew the situation was touchy, but more importantly, it was something that needed to be confronted.

As he rounded the corner and pushed open the door to the sickly white, sterile room, Meredith kept her eyes fixed on the scalding hot water that was running over her hands. She reached up to grab a bar of soap, and at the same time, Derek reached up. His open palm brushed against her soft hand sending chills up Meredith's spine. He handed her the bar of soap before leaning back on the sink. Glancing at her expectantly, he cleared his throat, "I think we need to talk."

She turned to him, her eyes wide and shook her head, "Look, Derek, I can't talk about this now. I have waytoo many things I need to do."

"Then when _can_ you talk about it, Mer?" he questioned trying to keep his voice as gentle as possible. "It's not as if you're trying very hard to find the time. Even if we don't confront the situation, this baby is still coming."

Meredith turned off the water and closed her eyes. He was making this so hard for her. She reached up for a towel to dry her hands, but Derek had already beaten her to the punch. Handing it to her, he sighed, "Are you going to say something?"

"What is there to say?"

"I don't know," Derek replied leaning back against the cold, metal sink. His eyes silently pleaded with her to tell him what to do, but like Derek, Meredith was also unsure of what to do.

"So, if you don't know what there is for us to talk about, maybe we should just succumb to the fact that this isn't worth discussing. I told you all I have to say."

"I just don't feel that we should leave it at that," Derek confessed. He had never felt this confused in his life, "I mean, is there anything you need me to do? That you want me to do?"

Meredith shook her head before making her way toward the door, "I need to go talk to this patient's family." She pulled the door open and slipped out leaving a puzzled Derek behind her. Rounding the corner, Meredith leaned against the wall and tears began to stream down her face.

How the hell was she supposed to do this?

--

The sound of footsteps coming down the hall startled Meredith out of her thoughts. She sat up abruptly and tried to right herself. Running her hands down her wrinkled scrubs, she caught a glance of Derek's dark curls running after her. She picked up her pace as she headed toward the waiting room. By now, Bailey had surely done what she had asked Meredith to do. Derek grabbed her shoulder causing Meredith to come to a halt.

"Meredith," he whispered, whirling her around so that she was looking at him. Salty tears were running down her face. She reached up to wipe them away, but Derek grabbed her hand before she had the chance. "I'm just as scared as you are," he reassured her, wiping away the tears.

She inched away from his touch. "I have to go talk to the patient's family," she muttered trying to steady all the thoughts that were racing through her head. "I really can't talk about this now."

"Mer," he tried again reaching for her hand, but she pulled away.

"Look, Derek. Would you just leave me alone already!" She begged. "There is really nothing for us to talk about. I took care of it already. There is nothing that you have to worry about."

"What do you mean?" he asked, startled.

"I aborted the pregnancy."

--

A/N:Okay, for all of you who are already mad at me, I'm so sorry. But I needed that to happen it order for the story to move the way I wanted it to. Just keep in mind that deep down I'm a Merder fan. I just find it boring to read and write fics that are fluffy all the time. Anyway, Please review. If you're going to leave negative comments please let it be constructive otherwise they're no use to me.


	11. Trying to Find My Way Back

A/N: So I'm starting to find that I never do the things I set out to do. I meant to get this up on Monday of this week, but being the lazy person that I am didn't actually finish the chapter until Monday. Then getting the edited version from my beta was another story. Anyway, I will warn those of you die hard Merder fans that this chapter may upset you. However, I promise Merder will be together permeantly in two or three more chapters (depending on how fast I mover everything). One last thing before I let you go on to your reading. My betas life has kinda been a mess, so I'm looking for a new beta. If anyone is interested, please PM me or leave a message in your review. It will probably be about one chapter a week for the remainder of the story. You'll also get to see what's going to happen before anyone else. : ) As always, please review and enjoy!

--

"_I'm on the road  
To who knows where?  
Look ahead, not behind  
I keep saying"_

Prodigal--OneRepublic

**One Month Later…**

She no longer needed to worry. He was finally doing the one thing she had been asking of him for the past few months. Now as she sat at the nurse's station watching him look over the now empty surgical board, she couldn't help hoping that he would turn to look at her. Part of Meredith just wished he would treat her the way he once had instead of constantly tiptoeing around her.

_He was in total shock when she told him. Derek stood there dumbfounded, as the walls seemed to close in around him. Opening his mouth to speak, he found himself at a loss for words._

_Meredith didn't mean to catch him off guard like that. She didn't intend to tell him when the conversation started. But, as Derek continued to press the subject her defenses came tumbling down. Standing there, she shifted her weight waiting for him to utter something- anything._

_Realizing that he wasn't going to be the one to break the looming silence, Meredith croaked, "So?"_

"_So..." he paused still trying to find his voice from within, "I guess everything's taken care of, then?"_

_Meredith nodded, tears beginning to make their way down her face, "I have a doctor's appointment in a few days just to make sure that everything's okay. Other then that, yeah, I guess everything is taken care of." She cringed when the words left her mouth. How could she sound so nonchalant about such an emotional situation?_

"_You're okay then? You don't need anything do you?" Derek questioned sincerely._

_Meredith shook her head and heaved a sigh. Her once bright green eyes seemed dimmer now and lacked the life that they once possessed. She looked exhausted, and Derek could tell that all she wanted was for this conversation to be over. _

_All she wanted was for this nightmare to end._

_They both fought to keep their emotions in check, trying to hide from each other and themselves how they truly felt about the situation. Derek placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder before muttering, "I love you, Mer."_

_So much for the nightmare ending…_

"_I really should go talk to the patient's family."_

_Derek nodded in response and Meredith turned and began walking down the hall. He had expected her to profess her love for him, but her reply was confirmation for Derek that it was really over. Meredith had moved on. She was done waiting around for him to come and sweep her off her feet. He had let her down too many times before._

_And that's when Derek knew… he wasn't her McDreamy anymore. He hadn't been for a long time._

"I take it that you told him."

Meredith whirled around in the desk chair she was sitting on to face Cristina, who was standing behind her. Cristina's eyes were fixed on Derek who still stood there like a complete idiot. _There are no surgeries. He's a fuckin' brain surgeon and he can't screw that through his thick scull. _

"God, Mer, what's got your panties in a twist? McDreamy won't acknowledge your existence anymore." She knew her friend well.

"Don't call him that." Meredith demanded as she stood up, "And no, I don't give a damn whether he talks to me or not. Don't you remember? _I_ was the one trying to get him to stop talking to _me_."

"Yeah. Okay, right."

Just then, Addison rounded the corner. She smiled politely at the two interns before walking toward her husband, her Jimmy Choo heels clacking on the floor. Meredith cringed. She could just about handle being around Derek now, but the sight of the two of them together sent chills up her spine.

What had she done to deserve this? Oh yeah, that's right…

"I need to go check on a patient," Meredith muttered inaudibly to Cristina before ducking around the corner and out of sight. Tears began to stream down her face as she leaned against the wall. Pressing a hand to her forehead, she slid down and curled into a ball, willing the tears to come. Her life was a mess, and like always, there was nothing she could do to fix it.

--

"Shitty day?"

Meredith's head shot up. Beside her, a grinning man glared at her expectantly. Was he talking to her? "Hugh?" Meredith questioned puzzled. Did she know him from somewhere? He did look familiar, but Meredith couldn't place him. She continued to stare at him, eyes wide, like a deer in the headlights.

"You okay?"

"Umm, yeah," replied Meredith uncertainly. She stuck her legs out in front of her to stretch them, but feeling his eyes on her, she instantly brought them in closer to her body.

Surveying his face, Meredith let out a sigh. He was cute, and there was something about his features that made her relax. His smile was welcoming as he took in her beauty, her honey-colored locks, her _emerald_ green eyes. She gave him a shy smile in return, and he held out his hand, "Scott Masterson."

"Meredith Grey."

"So are you a doctor here or something?" Scott inquired. Something rang in his pocket, and he pulled it out for a moment before pushing a few buttons and placing it back in his tan cords.

Meredith guessed it was a PDA or cell phone type contraption, but wasn't quite sure. The only technology she knew how to work was her beeper and Stone Age type cell, "Yeah. I'm an intern."

"That's a first year resident, right?" Meredith nodded, and Scott's PDA went off in his pocket again. He fished for it in his pocket before finally just shutting it off, "Sorry about that. Work." Rolling his eyes, he continued, "They can't live thirty minutes without me."

"What do you do?" she questioned, genuinely interested. It felt good to talk to someone new.

"I'm a reporter."

Meredith nodded, urging him to go on. But he just sat there silently and stared at her. "So, Scott… what kind of reporter are you?"

"Oh, I'm a sports reporter. Anchor actually. I'm on the channel 30 11 o'clock news. How 'bout you? What kind of doctor are you exactly?"

"Surgeon," Meredith stated rather nonchalantly.

"Oh, that must be pretty cool."

She nodded, "I guess it is. If you don't count the 80 hour workweeks and the late nights on call, yeah, it is pretty cool."

Scott didn't reply. He just sat there staring at her, and for the first time, Meredith didn't mind. She was actually flattered. For the first time in a long time, Meredith didn't feel like Derek's reject anymore. Scott reached out and ran his hands through her wavy locks, and muttered, "You're beautiful; you know that?"

Meredith felt herself on the brink of tears. _She_ was _beautiful_.

"Hey, don't cry." He removed his hands from where they were intertwined with her hair. Using the palm of his hand, he wiped away the tears and cooed, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry. Please, don't cry."

Meredith reached up to wipe the tears away, "I'm sorry," she apologized. "It wasn't you. It's just been a rough week, and I'm tired. That's all."

Scott nodded, "Well the week's almost over. I guess that's something to look forward to."

Meredith sighed. "I guess it is," she replied wiping her sweaty palms on the cotton fabric of her scrub pants. Glancing up at Scott with her deep green eyes, Meredith whispered, "Thank you."

Here she was, falling apart in front of someone she had met only moments ago. But he didn't look at her like she was crazy like most people would. He understood, and Meredith found solace in that.

Maybe everything would be okay.

"I need to go," Meredith murmured standing up. "I have patients I really need to check on."

Scott rose beside her, and gave her a slight smile, "Well it was nice to talk to you, Dr. Grey."

"Please, it's Meredith. Call me Meredith."

"Well, it's been a pleasure talking to you, Meredith."

Meredith nodded, heading down the hall back toward the nurse's station, "Same here, Scott." She turned and continued to walk down the hall.

"I hope this isn't to forward of me, but if you're not doing anything this weekend, let's say Saturday night, there's a Sonics game. I have courtside tickets if you'd be interested. We could go to a bar or something afterwards. You are old enough to drink aren't you?"

Meredith pivoted on her heel letting out a laugh at his failed attempt to be funny. "I've never been to a game before, but I'm willing to give it a try. And yes, I'm old enough to drink. I'm no Doogie Howser."

"Okay, then, I'll give you a call, and we'll set everything up," he grinned at her.

She shook her head, "How do you plan on calling me if you don't have my number?" Walking over to him, she pulled out a prescription pad from her lab coat pocket and scribbled her number on it. Handing it to him, she warned, "Now you don't go using this to go get something from the pharmacy. I will find out you know."

Laughing, Scott folded up the little white piece of paper and placed in the front pocket of his cords, "I promise I won't, Doc."

"Okay, then, I'll see you Saturday? Call me and I'll give you my address."

"See you then."

Was that the old Meredith we all knew and loved coming out of the shadows?

--

A/N: _So Meredith is trying to move on because she thinks that is what Derek wants and is trying to do. Except now Derek has come to his senses and realizes that he wants to be with her. Love is so complicated sometimes isn't it? It's okay my little lovers. You'll be together soon enough because I'm ready to write some Merder fluff!!_

So I'd like to apologize again for not updating earlier this week. I've been a little preocuppied with this book series that is soooo good. Can anybody guess what it is? I find it creeping into my writing every minute a little more...


	12. One to Pull Me Through

A/N: Okay, so I'm soooo sorry for not getting this chapter up sooner. I had alot of trouble finding someone to edit it (doesn't that always seem to be the case). You all have to thank _Mclovinmcdreamy_ for finally coming through for me. Anyway, this was one of my favorite chapters to write, and I hope you guys enjoy reading it. Scott was so much fun to write because he's so upbeat and happy all the time- not emotionally draining like Meredith and Derek. I'm going to stop rambling now and let you get on with reading. Other than that, please review- the reviews from the last chapter really helped me as far as motivation.

Oh yeah... and it's late January in this chapter in case any of you were wondering (You've gotta love outlines : )

--

"_Deliver me  
Out of my sadness  
Deliver me  
From all of the madness"_

Deliver Me-- Sarah Brightman

Meredith pulled the curtain aside to peer out into the dark night. Below, delicate snowflakes danced under the dim streetlight. She watched them swirl in circles before finally settling on the freshly snow-coated street. Pursing her lips, she pressed her hand against the cold window and shifted her gaze to the driveway.

Scott was leaning against his car taking a drag from the cigarette in his hand. He ran a hand through his disheveled locks before tossing the cigarette to the ground. For most of his life, he had been a lady's man. He never got worried when it came to dates in the past. Now, as he stood there, looking up at the ominous house in front of him, he couldn't seem to find a way to steady his nerves.

There was definitely something different about the doctor he had met earlier that week, and Scott wondered if that was the reason these unwelcome emotions were taking over his body.

He pushed himself up from the car, mustering the courage to go and ring the doorbell. Meredith watched from above as he approached the front door. When she could no longer see his figure, she ran to her mirror to give her appearance a final glance.

Her wavy brown hair had been blown straight and the caramel highlights she had put in earlier that day glimmered in the light coming from the hallway. She had changed her outfit at least three times before finally deciding on a red sweater and a pair of dark denim skinny jeans that hugged her hips. Meredith heard the doorbell ring seconds later, followed by Izzie's screeching voice.

"Mer! Your date's here."

"Coming!" Meredith replied running into the bathroom. She grabbed her clear lip-gloss off the counter and threw it into her black _New York and Company_ bag.

Glancing at herself in the mirror again, she heard Alex pipe up, "You look great. Would you leave now so I can pee?"

Meredith furrowed her eyebrows, "What are you doing here?" She questioned.

"Izzie and I were going to go to Joe's. Please," he motioned for her to leave the bathroom.

Nodding, Meredith obliged, leaving the room and shutting the door behind her. As she walked down the hallway, she could hear Izzie babbling to Scott in the foyer. She seemed to be muttering something to him about a case that she had been working on yesterday.

Meredith made her way down the stairs, and Scott's gaze instantly shifted from Izzie to her. He smiled up at her and Meredith returned the gesture but quickly looked down slightly embarrassed. When she reached the bottom stair, Scott pulled a bouquet of flowers out from behind his back. Handing them to her, he whispered, "You look beautiful."

Meredith's face flushed a light shade of red and she muttered a reply, "Thank you."

"So, Mer, what do you two plan on doing tonight?" Izzie inquired.

"I think we're going to a Sonics' game," Meredith turned to Scott. "Right?"

Scott nodded, "Yeah. I'm a sports anchor, so I get free tickets. You know… one of the perks of the job."

"Well, if you guys are looking for something to do after the game, Alex and I are going to meet some people from work for drinks," Izzie offered. "At least I think that's what we're doing. I'm not really sure exactly. The whole thing was Alex's idea, anyway."

Pulling her coat out of the closet next to the stairs, Meredith shrugged, "Whatever. We'll see what we feel like doing after the game."

She was about to put the coat on when Scott took it from her, "Here let me."

"Awww… what a gentlemen," Izzie gushed.

Meredith rolled her eyes, "I'll talk to you later. Okay?"

Izzie nodded giving her friend a hug, which Meredith instantly pulled away from, "Think about it okay, guys? We'd really love your company."

Nodding, Meredith grabbed Scott's arm and quickly pulled him out the house. She closed the door behind her before taking off towards his black sports car- _figures_. The two put on their seat belts, and Meredith turned to her date, "Sorry about that. I know they're annoying, but they're the closet thing I have to family."

"It's okay. I think it would be pretty cool to have that many 'roommates'."

Meredith cocked an eyebrow, "Uh huh. Yeah, right. You can have them if you want them."

Shaking his head, Scott burst out laughing followed by Meredith who giggled uncontrollably. It felt good to laugh again, and Meredith cherished the joyous sound. Her sides ached, but she couldn't stop. Tears began to make their way down her face, but she couldn't stop. They were both laughing. They were both happy, and Meredith couldn't help but think that if they stopped…

That she may never be able to find that feeling within herself again.

--

Looking up at the rows and rows of seats behind her, Meredith couldn't help but feel overwhelmed. When Scott had told her he had courtside seats, he wasn't kidding. They were seated in fold-up chairs on the court, and to Meredith's right, there was a reporter from the Channel 16 Evening News. Scanning the court quickly, she realized that most of the people seated courtside worked for some news station.

"Meredith," Scott started, placing a gentle hand on her wrist, "I think I may go get a beer or something. Do you want one?"

Shaking her head, Meredith pushed herself up off the seat, "No thanks. I have an early shift tomorrow, so I don't want to drink. I'm starving, though. Let's go to the concessions' stand and grab something to eat before the game starts."

Grabbing her hand, Scott led her through the out cove to the main hallway. All around them, people bustled trying to find the section were they where seated. The line to the bar rounded the corner, and the wait for the concession stand wasn't much better.

Scott motioned toward the latter, "You know, on second thought, I don't really need a beer. I'll be just fine with a Coke. Is that okay with you? Coke, I mean?"

"Umm, actually I'm not a huge fan of Coke. I rather have Sprite or something."

"Sprite it is then. And to eat?"

"Oh, a hot dog with chili and cheese, _of course_."

Scott grinned, "Oh, of course."

Meredith giggled, and looked up into his dark brown eyes. How was it that she never noticed them before? They were mesmerizing- so promising and full of life. Her gaze drifted lower before it fixed on his chiseled jaw that was just beginning to show signs of stubble. Then back up to his lips. They were moist and welcoming. Before she knew it, she felt herself leaning up into him and pressing her own lips to his. Closing her eyes, she felt him wrap his arms around her tiny waist and bring her body closer to him.

Pulling away, Scott muttered, "I'm sorry. We're probably moving to fast."

Closing her eyes once again, Meredith heaved a sigh and pressed her head to his chest, "No, not at all."

The feeling was indescribable. It was a feeling that had long been dormant within her, and Meredith welcomed it with great pleasure. She couldn't remember the last time someone had put their arms around her like that. She couldn't remember the last time that she felt that close to another human being.

Actually, she couldn't remember the last time she was truly happy.

--

The pair sat in silence in the parking lot of Joe's bar, just enjoying each other's company. Doctors and nurses from the hospital made their way over to the popular bar before heading home for the night. Moving closer to Meredith, Scott put his arm around her shoulder, "Maybe we should go in."

"Maybe," Meredith smiled slightly.

"Or we could just call it a night," he paused trying to read her. "I mean if that's what you want."

Meredith shook her head. Pursing her lips, she turned to him, "No, that's not what I want. I was enjoying the silence. I was just enjoying the time I had with you."

"So…" Scott questioned confused, "you just want to sit here for a while?"

"I would. If that's okay with you."

Leaning back in his seat, he shrugged, "Whatever you want."

He watched her as she sat there silently, her eyes closed. Meredith's chest moved up and down in a constant rhythm. She looked so peaceful, but all Scott could do was sit there baffled. Finally deciding that they weren't going to enter the bar anytime soon, he closed the space between them. Scott pulled her into his embrace, and Meredith didn't show any sign of acknowledgement except for a smile that made its way across her face.

They lay like that for a while, in the silence. Both Meredith and Scott were afraid to utter the first word that would bring them out of this calming, trance-like state. It seemed surreal, and Meredith just lay there praying that the moment would last forever. Finally opening her eyes, Meredith whispered, "Tonight has been great. Thank you."

She ran her fingers over Scott's open palm before finally intertwining his fingers with her own. Giving her hand a squeeze, Scott leaned in to kiss her. He wrapped his arms around her, and Meredith melted underneath his touch. It felt perfect- or as close to perfect that it could ever be.

"Maybe we should just go back to my house for a cup of coffee or something," Meredith mumbled into his mouth.

"Okay."

Pulling away, Meredith peered out the window. There were people leaving to return home to their families, and there were others who were just arriving. Her eyes locked with a figure as he made his way across the parking lot. His rich dark locks were damp with melted snow. Derek scrubbed at his face before struggling to open the door to his jeep.

Meredith was suddenly reminded of that night back in October when she had been in the same condition. He had helped her then, and Meredith felt obliged to help him now.

Scott was looking at her questioningly, and Meredith shook her head motioning toward Derek, "He's a friend from work- a friend who shouldn't be driving. I'm just going to bring him back into the bar and get the bartender to call a cab."

"Okay. I guess I'll just stay in the car then?"

Shrugging, she pulled the car door open, "Sure. I'll just be a minute."

Scott watched as she walked over to the drunken man only a few feet away. He saw her mutter something, and the man shook his head angrily, obviously not interested in whatever Meredith had offered. After what seemed like a lot a pleading and begging, the two made their way back toward the bar. Scott saw the man reach for her hand, but Meredith pulled away and slapped him.

"Derek," Meredith warned pulling the door open to Joe's, "don't do this."

"Do what?" Derek questioned his voice tinged with the effects of gallons of Scotch he had drunk earlier.

"You know what," she said with a sigh motioning to Joe to get his attention. "He's too drunk to drive. Can you call a cab and keep an eye on him? I'm on a date."

Joe nodded, and Derek looked up at her with big doe eyes, "You're on a date?"

"Yes, I am. Why do you care?"

Derek didn't respond. He just continued to look up at her. "Look, Derek," she said sitting down on the bar stool beside him, "I'm finally moving on. I've finally fixed what you broke. And Scott? He's pretty great. He makes me feel like I've never felt before. I'm finally happy, Derek. Why won't you just let me be happy?"

She tilted her head and tried to read him, but his face was expressionless. Sighing, Meredith whispered to him, "I better get going."

Meredith pushed herself up from the barstool and kissed him gently on the cheek. Pivoting on her heel, she headed toward the door to the parking lot. The door swung shut behind her, leaving Derek to wait for his cab in the noisy, smoke filled bar all alone.

_She_ **was**_ moving on. _

_--_

_So Meredith is really into Scott and vice versa. Scott's good for Meredith because he's forcing her to move on. The only thing that is holding her back is a broken Derek, and at the end of the chapter, Meredith finally has the guts to stand up to him. He's been messing with her emotions ever since they met, and Meredith refused to take it anymore and told him they were done (at least that's what she thinks). So we've gone to a broken Meredith to a broken Derek. Now they both need to fix themselves and be a happy couple again. : )_

Anyway, thanks for reading, and please review.


	13. Won't You Take My Hand

A/N: You guys were so lucky that this chapter was already written, otherwise I would have had alot of trouble finding the willpower to write given the lack of reviews. I'd also like to take the time to thank my beta Tiffany (_destined4greatness). _ Now to explain the reason why this chapter is so short... I started off thinking I could put all of Valentine's Day into one chapter, but after I started writing it, I realized it was way too long. So I decided to break the Holiday up into two chapters. Also, before I let you go and read, I'd like to let everyone know that there will be no update next week because I'm going on vacation. Other than that, please review!

--

"_Slow me down  
Don't let love pass me by  
Just show me how  
Cause I'm ready to fall  
Slow me down"_

Slow Me Down--Emmy Rossum

**Two Weeks Later**

"I think these are for you."

Flipping through a chart at the nurse's station, Meredith sighed inwardly. It seemed as if her shift was never going to end. She was two hours away from completing a 12-hour shift and couldn't be more eager to get off. All day she had been listening to Izzie blab about her Valentine's Day plans, making Meredith all too aware of her lack there of.

Scott had offered to do something, but Meredith had declined the invitation claiming that she'd be too tired to be much fun. Now, as she listened to everyone talk about their "special" plans, she couldn't help but wish she hadn't.

"Dr. Grey, I think these are for you."

Meredith's head shot up, hearing her name. Across from her, a nurse was holding a vase full of red roses. Beside them, there was another vase full of stargazer lilies and pink roses and beside those, an icy looking vase with beautiful white roses- a stark contrast to their dark greenery.

"What?" Meredith questioned, furrowing her eyebrows and walking around the counter to take the flowers from the nurse. "Okay. Thank you?"

"I don't think you understand, Dr. Grey. They are _all _for you."

Reading the first card, Meredith shook her head, "Seriously?"

A smile crept across her face. She may not have plans for the night, but this was almost as good. Picking up the second card from the pink bouquet, Meredith bit her bottom lip. His handwriting was small and ornate, much like someone who went to a good private school.

_To my dearest Meredith- I have a surprise for you. Meet me in the hospital lobby at the end of your shift. With Love, Scott._

Fingering the edge of the last card, Meredith could feel her face turning more and more red. She glanced around to see if anyone was watching her. When she realized that she was alone, Meredith skimmed over it. Her heart began to thump wildly in her chest.

_Thinking about you Meredith… _was scrawled above a scratched out _I love you, Mer._

"Oh, Mcsportman send you something special?" Cristina scoffed, handing Meredith a cup of coffee.

Meredith rolled her eyes and took a sip of her coffee, "Don't _ever_ call him that again. It wasn't even funny."

"Right, that coming from the love struck teenager."

"I am not a love struck teenager."

Cristina grabbed the card out of her friend's hand, "Yeah, and that's why you turned bright red when Scott sent you a card that said, 'I Love You, Mer'. Whoa, those are some very heavy words there, Mer."

Meredith snatched the card back from Cristina and held in gingerly in her palm. "I don't think he meant for me to see it. Look," she said pointing to the black pen marks over the words, "he tried to black it out."

"He didn't do a very good job of it."

"Oh, shut up, Cristina," Meredith said, hitting her friend playfully. She glanced down the hallway, and saw Addison and Derek coming down it hand in hand. "I need to go check on a patient before I leave."

"Okay," Cristina retorted cocking an eyebrow. "Jeez, Mer, where's the fire?" Meredith shot her a look and looked down the hallway again, "Oh, you better go check on that patient."

Meredith nodded and turned to leave, but was instantly halted when Addison placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.

"Wow, Dr. Grey, are all these flowers yours?" she questioned trying to be friendly.

"Yeah," she turned to Cristina. "I'm going to go check on that patient."

"Okay, I'll talk to you later then."

Cristina watched as Meredith smiled at Addison and Derek before going to check on the "patient" that awaited her. Derek's eyes followed her figure, and Cristina could tell that her friend was taunting him.

"She must have a lot of secret admires," Addison said as more of a statement than a question.

Cristina's eyes narrowed as she let out a laugh, "Either that or a man that fumbles at her every word."

--

"He's waiting for you in the lobby."

"Who?" Meredith questioned Izzie who was lying on the bench behind her. Closing her locker, she turned to face the blonde intern. "Don't you have somewhere you need to be?"

Izzie shook her head, "Scott. And no, I don't have anything to do right now. My shift ended five minutes ago, and I'm not supposed to meet Alex for dinner until eight."

Not wanting to hear Izzie go off about her plans again, Meredith simply smiled at her roommate before walking over to the door. Pushing it open, she turned back to Izzie, "Well, have fun."

"You too."

As she walked toward the main lobby to meet Scott, Meredith stuck her hand in her pocket fingering the edge of one of the cards he had sent her. There was a swell of excitement within her the closer and closer she got to her destination. Just a little ways down the hall, she could see the top of his head towering above everyone else. Then her heart sank.

He wasn't alone.

There Derek stood, Addison beside him. The three off them acted like they had known each other forever. Approaching the group, Meredith wrung her hands to steady her nerves. After all, she had known this was coming eventually.

"There's my girl," Scott smiled, embracing Meredith.

Meredith tried to hide her embarrassment, but it was useless. She felt like a little girl again- all she wanted to do was leave and hide in the comfort of her own home. Looking up, Meredith realized that Derek was smiling at her, "You didn't tell me you were dating Scott Masterson."

"You know him?" Meredith asked skeptically.

"Who doesn't?" Derek replied as if _everyone _should know who Scott Masterson is, "He's a famous sports anchor."

Scott blushed and shook his head modestly, "I wouldn't exactly call myself 'famous'."

"Since when do you watch sports?" Meredith spat still hung up on the previous comment. Now she felt that Derek was being ridiculous. He never watched sports, and he sure as hell didn't know who Scott Masterson was- who _her_ Scott Masterson was.

"Oh you know. Here and there."

"Uh-huh, right," Meredith retorted, rolling her eyes. "We better get going honey," she said turning to Scott. "I want to see what your surprise is."

Scott nodded and grasped her hand in his. Turning to Derek and Addison, he said politely, "Well, it's been a pleasure meeting you."

"Same here."

"We should get together sometime. You know… double date or something," Scott added.

"That sounds great," Shepherd and the she-Shepherd exclaimed.

Was Meredith the only one who thought that that was a _really _bad idea?

--

_So Addison, Derek, and Scott being all talkative and friendly? Not Meredith's idea of a great Valentine's Day. And Derek is just acting plain out weird. First he decides to be with Addison, and then the moment that Meredith decide's that she's over him he wants her back. What's that saying again? You only want what you can't have? That's right... I think that describes Derek right now PERFECTLY. I'm going to stop rambling now. Before you all go, be sure to press that little pretty button on the bottom of the screen. The one right there that says review._

_Muchas gracias,_

_Franny XX_

_Now I'm off to read _Jane Eyre.


	14. And the Truth Is

A/N: Hey guys, I'm so sorry it took me this long to get the next chapter up. I was a little preoccupied with summerwork. Needless to say, that is done now. I have one more chapter written after this, and I plan to write one more before school starts. That way there will be updates every week for at least three weeks. This chapter is a little short because it is a continuation of the previous. As always, please read and review!

--

"_When the truth is,  
I miss you,  
Yeah the truth is,  
That I miss you so,  
And I'm tired,  
I should not have let you go"_

Warning Sign--Coldplay

The porch light flickered overhead as Derek sat in the white plastic lawn chair. It was an unusually dark night, but from where he was sitting he could just see the outline of the dead brush across the field. It seemed like a lifetime ago that the area had shown signs of life. Now as he sat there, Derek couldn't help but wish to go back to that time.

He remembered walking for hours with Meredith. They would trail along, talking about the most trivial things. But that was the beauty of it: just being together was enough of a reason to go on the adventure.

Addison didn't like adventures. She liked malls. She liked department stores and fancy dinners. He felt like he constantly had to try with Addison whereas he could simply be himself with Meredith. That's what made it so hard:

He was meant to be with Meredith.

Behind him, the lights inside the trailer cast a soft glow. Addison was inside preparing dinner, but Derek could care less. Every corner of his mind was consumed with thoughts of Meredith. Taking a swig from the beer in his hand, he tried to blot out the image of Scott's arm around her waist. He tried to convince himself that the smile that had erupted at the sight of her new beau didn't mean anything.

Wrapping his coat tighter around himself, Derek heaved a sigh. The silence that he had once hoped for was now deafening. He longed to feel her presence again. And the fact that Meredith wasn't there only served to make him feel more alone.

This wasn't the way things were supposed to be. He wasn't supposed to be outside, hiding from his wife, on Valentine's Day. He was supposed to be in the warmth of Meredith's embrace.

A gust of frigid air blew, and Derek blinked back tears.

_So much for happily ever after. _

--

"Aren't you cold?" Addison questioned from the open door.

"No."

"Okay," she replied, surprised. "Well anyway, dinner's done."

Derek continued to sit there staring up at the sky, "I'll be in later. I'm not hungry right now."

"Okay." She turned to walk back toward the kitchen, but felt the need to add, "You do know its Valentine's Day, right?"

"Jesus Christ, I guess it is. Well it's too late to do anything now, isn't it?"

Addison stepped out onto the wooden step. She could feel tears welling up in her eyes, but quickly blinked them back. Was she really surprised that he forgot. Lately, he was so absorbed in Meredith Grey and her God damn love life to be aware of anything else.

"It's fine. We can do something another day."

"Sounds good," he motioned toward the door. "I'll come in in a minute."

"Okay. Dinner's on the stove. I'm going to go and take a shower," Addison told him, pivoting on her heel and heading back inside.

Derek didn't even turn to acknowledge her last comment. He just sat there completely absorbed in whatever had kept him out there for the past three hours.

Part of Addison wanted to scream out in agony. No matter how hard she tried to read him, she couldn't understand what was going on in his head. When she really thought about it, Addison knew she had brought this all on herself. But he had agreed to try.

Why did he refuse to do it now?

"I'm going to bed."

Addison spun around holding her black lace bra on with her arms, "Oh. I didn't expect you to come in so soon. Don't you want something to eat?"

Derek shook his head, completely oblivious to the fact that his wife was half naked, "No. I told you, I'm not hungry. Tired- but not hungry." He threw himself down onto the bed, "Goodnight, Addison."

"Goodnight," she answered, heading into the bathroom. Shutting the door, she muttered, "Happy Valentine's Day."

--

"This is," Meredith paused, taken aback, "absolutely breathtaking."

Scott nodded coming up from behind her. He handed her a single red rose which she placed on the railing. Pulling her into his embrace, he intertwined their fingers. His breath was warm on her neck, and it sent shivers down her spine.

"Just like you," he murmured into her neck. He looked up and pecked her softly on the lips before adding, "This is my favorite place in the entire world."

Meredith squeezed her eyes shut and heaved a sigh. She really appreciated everything that he had done for her, and she could tell how important to him it was that this night was special, but just being there made memories come flooding back.

After all, it was somebody else's favorite place too.

"I really appreciate you doing all this for me," Meredith said turning around to face him. His expression was one of pure joy as he looked out at the dark waves breaking against the sides of the ferryboat.

Smiling, he cupped Meredith's face in his hands, "It is my pleasure."

"It really is beautiful, isn't it?"

He nodded.

She turned back around and gazed out at the skyline. Scott wrapped his arms around her waist once more. Pulling her close, he ran his hands up and down the length of her arms. The city in front of them was a blur of lights. Underneath them, the boat bobbed slowly up and down in the murky water. It was the most romantic thing that Meredith had experienced in her whole life. Yet as she stood there, with Scott's arms wrapped protectively around her, she couldn't help but feel as if something was missing.

"I think I'm falling in love with you," Scott whispered into her ear after a few minutes of silence.

Meredith stood there, dumbfounded. _He_ was falling in love with _her_. She couldn't think. Her head felt heavy. Her mouth felt numb. Opening her mouth to say something, Meredith blinked up helplessly at him.

"I was hoping to get a response."

"Umm… of course. Yeah."

"I'm sorry. I'm moving too fast. I scared you."

Shaking her head, Meredith twisted around to face him. Leaning in, she whispered, "Its okay. It feels good to know someone loves you."

She pulled him in for a kiss, but Scott instantly inched away, "Why don't we eat now? Do you want some champagne? I bought strawberries too. It was a pain in the ass because they're out of season, but I was determined."

Meredith shrugged. She'd screwed up. That was obvious enough, "Sure."

Scott hurried off to the bench where he'd put the wicker picnic basket earlier. Heaving a sigh, Meredith turned back to the dark night and let her mind wander to Derek. She broke the barrier, and soon after the tears began to come.

She wondered what Addison and Derek were doing for Valentine's Day. She wondered if they were still together what they would be doing. Would they be on the ferryboat like she was now? Or would they be in the solace of Meredith's room, refusing to leave the entire night?

Who was she kidding? There was no hope for them. And Scott loved her. Surely, she could learn to love him.

Picking up the rose, Meredith fingered the crimson petals. They were so delicate and soft. Running her fingers along the stem, she was pricked by the thorns. Examining the flower more closely, Meredith could tell it was slowly dying in the frigid air. Leaning over the side, Meredith threw the rose into the dark abyss.

What was the use in trying?

--

_So Derek's really trying to save his marriage less and less. He is slowly realizing that he wants to be with Meredith, and it kills him that he passed up the chance. Addison is trying as hard as ever to save their marriage realizing that the end it near. It is all a matter of time before their relationship goes up in flames._

_As for Meredith, she enjoys being with Scott, but he's no Derek. And being as afraid of commitment as she is, when Scott said I love you, she panicked. Could this mean the worse for our blossoming couple? Only time will tell._

Thank you again for reading, and please review.

Franny XX


	15. This House, Full of Secrets

A/N: So I have a pretty long chapter here for you guys. I'd like to apologize for taking so long to update, but I hope this makes up for it. School's been pretty hectic, so I've had very little time to write. Please just bare with me as I try to finish this story (because I'm determined to do it this time. No matter how long it takes). I'm about halfway done the next chapter, but with the way school is, I don't expect to finish it this weekend. I'll try my best though. I'll definately try to get it up by the 3rd. Other than that, happy reading!! And please review...

--

"_This house is full of secrets  
This house smells of ghosts  
Dreams that never woke_

_Nightmares never spoke aloud"_

The Lake--Aqualung

For the past two weeks she had tried to extinguish the growing suspicion within herself that it was over. Their relationship was unraveling before her eyes, and Meredith couldn't help but feel that it was all her fault. He had made sure that everything was perfect, and when he had finally opened up and expressed his feelings toward her, all she could do was stand there shell-shocked.

She had tried, on multiple occasions, to get a hold of him. However, every time Meredith called Scott's cell phone, she got dumped into voicemail. When she called his office, he was always out on a job.

This was the end of the road for them. She was sure of it.

Meredith sighed inwardly, _why is this always so hard for me? _It seemed like every time she started to really fall for someone, she did something to push them away. All she wanted was to go back to that night and say to him, "I love you, too."

But every time she came close to uttering the words, her heart ached. Her head felt heavy. It felt wrong, like the words didn't fit. It felt unnatural-strained.

Closing the post-op notes she'd been working on, Meredith tip-toed out of the empty exam room. As she pulled the door closed behind her, someone cleared their throat.

"Dr. Grey, just who I was looking for."

Meredith's head shot up at the sound of her name, "Dr. Shepherd."

He smiled politely at her and scuffed at the linoleum floor with the ball of his foot, "So Addi told me to ask you if you and Scott would still be interested on going out on that 'double date'."

His voice sounded forced as if he was only doing this to appease his wife. Meredith knew how hard this all must have been for him- because she knew the feeling herself.

"Oh, I don't know, Derek."

"That's fine. I'll just tell her."

Meredith nodded, brushing a wisp of hair behind her ear. Derek seemed different- sadder. Reaching out, she grasped his shoulder tightly, "Are you alright?"

"Fine," Derek muttered back.

"You don't have to be so bitter."

"Well what do you want me to be?" he snapped in response.

"Happy."

Derek rolled his eyes at the cliché, "Really, Meredith? That's what you want for me?" He sighed, disgruntled, "Well, you know what would make me happy? For you and your God damn boyfriend to go on a fucking double date with us. That way Addison might shut up about the fucking thing."

Meredith's eyes got wide. "God damn it Derek! What is wrong with you?" Meredith questioned, her voice rising an octave as she spoke. She had never seen him like this. It was almost like he was possessed. "Why do you have to be such an asshole?" she hissed.

"You think I'm the one that's being an asshole?"

"You know what? Fine," she muttered. "I'm not arguing with you about this anymore. If you want to go on a double date with Scott and I, be my fucking guest."

Meredith's words hit Derek like knives. He hadn't realized until then what she was doing to him- how she was changing him. Gaining his composure, he spat, "Thank you."

Rolling her eyes, Meredith's fist met Derek's chest with a smack. He was acting like a complete idiot, but Meredith sympathized with him. Derek no longer had anyone to turn to. His marriage was falling apart right in front of his eyes, and there was nothing he could do. There was nothing that he wanted to do.

She pushed past Derek, biting back tears. He called out to her retreating figure, but Meredith kept running. She had to get away. There was no way that she was going to let him do that to her again.

Rounding the corner, Meredith sunk down against the wall. Her body shook with emotions. This was the first time in a long time that she felt the power of someone's words. She understood all the agony that they held, could still see the pleading in his eyes as he spoke and the hope the clung to every syllable. And for some reason, as they stood there yelling at each other, Meredith couldn't help but feel relieved.

For some reason, _that_ felt right.

Fingering the phone in her pocket, she blinked back tears. Meredith reached up and quickly wiped them away with the sleeve of her Henley.

She punched at the numbers, fiercely, "Scott? Please, Scott."

--

Her stomach ached as she sat on the bed, staring at her cell phone. It sat silently across from her on the dresser. She willed it to ring. Meredith prayed that at any moment Scott would call her and save her from this agony. But as the moment's ticked by, Meredith's hopes slowly started to diminish.

What the hell was she supposed to tell Derek?

Meredith's head shot up at the sound of the cheerful tune. Pushing herself up from the bed, she made her way over to the phone. 'Scott' flashed at her in big, bold letters. Picking it up, she inhaled.

"Hello?"

"Hey."

"Look Scott, I'm sorry," she told him honestly.

On the other end, Scott tapped him pen on the keyboard in thought. "Please… don't. I don't want to hear your apologizes. Let me talk. Hear me out, Mer," he paused to see if she was going to listen. "I meant what I said, but your reaction… it hurt. It hurt a lot. And part of me never wanted to call you back. Part of me said to hell with you because you weren't worth the trouble.

But I'm better than that. I'm a good man, Meredith, and I knew that you deserved better. And frankly I think you're worth the risk. I think you're worth the time. Because Meredith, _you_ are an extraordinary person. You're an extraordinary person that I could _learn _to love."

Meredith sat there taken aback. She had expected to fight with him. She hadn't expected for him to act so coolly about the whole situation. Twirling a lock of hair around on her index finger, she croaked, "Really?"

"Really?"

"You could _learn_ to love me?"

"I think I could. Could you learn to love me?"

Meredith liked this. He was taking a step back, and Meredith felt that she was no longer swimming in dangerous water, "I think I could."

"Well it's settled then. We could learn to love each other."

As she sat there, on the edge of her bed, Meredith suppressed the feelings that were welling up within her. She had a feeling this wasn't the way love was supposed to feel- or the way learning to love was supposed to feel. Love was supposed to be natural, and in this case, it was anything but.

There is nothing natural about learning to love someone. It isn't complicated. It isn't something that can be taught. It simply is.

"So…"

"So?"

"What do we do now?"

"We move on. We go on more dates. We learn more about each other."

"I haven't done that in a really long time."

Scott smiled, "It's okay. I'll help you."

"Thank you."

"No problem, Meredith."

"I think I'm going to go to bed, Scott."

"Okay."

"Goodnight."

Scott sighed and leaned back in his desk chair, "Goodnight Meredith."

--

_Three Days Later…_

Meredith stood in front of her bathroom mirror. She looked up at her reflection and scoured at what she saw. The plum v-neck top she had put on earlier clung to her stomach. Her black stretch pants seemed to be stretching past their limit. Meredith played with the thin fabric of the blouse, trying to arrange it so it didn't fit so tightly around her bust and midsection.

Finally giving up, she reached into her makeup case on the marble counter top. Meredith leaned in to get closer to the mirror- the edge of the countertop jarring against her thighs. Unscrewing the silver lid, she coated each lash with a thin layer of mascara.

"Meredith, Scott's here," she heard Izzie scream from downstairs.

"Alright. Tell him to come up. I'm going to be a few more minutes."

She placed the tube of black liquid back in the fabric case. Taking a step back, Meredith gnawed at her fingernail as she glowered at her reflection. With a shake of her head, she swiftly removed the top and threw it onto her bed.

Scott knocked lightly on the door.

"Come in," she told him heading over to the closet. "I'm just trying to find something to wear. I'll be just a few more minutes. I promise."

Scott lowered himself down on the bed and watched her run around the room flustered. "It's fine. Take your time," he paused and took in the lavender scent that seemed to follow her everywhere. "So, I saw Addison at the hospital."

"Why were you at the hospital?" Meredith questioned popping her head out of the closet to look at him.

"You weren't here when I came earlier. Izzie told me to go to the hospital and meet you, but you had already left."

"Oh, yeah… sorry about that. I needed to finish some post-op notes. They needed to be in before the week is over."

Scott shook his head, "It's fine. Anyway, Addison asked me if I was looking for you, and I told her that I was and that we had a date. She offered to meet us for drinks later, and I told her I'd have to ask you."

Meredith eyed him skeptically, "Really?"

"Yeah, but then she said that you and Derek had already talked and that you thought it was a great idea. To make a long story short, we're meeting them at Joe's for drinks at 10:30."

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," Meredith muttered to herself.

"What?"

"Nothing," she replied stepping out of the closet. "How's this?"

Scott gazed up to see her in a dark green sweater and a pair of jeans, "Fine."

Shaking her head, Meredith glanced down at her figure, "No. I look fat. I'm going to find something else."

She disappeared back into the closet. Meredith had no clue what was wrong with her. She was never the type of girl who cared about what she wore, but here she was changing for the third time.

Across the room, her cell phone rang.

"Meredith," Scott said getting her attention.

"Oh, could you answer that for me please? Just tell them I'll call them back later. We need to get going. I'm starving," she sifted through her clothes as Scott talked out in the bedroom. He seemed flustered as he spoke to whoever was on the phone. Pulling a black empire waist dress out of her closet, she questioned, "Who is it?"

Scott shrugged, "I don't know. Why don't you just put on that dress? We need to get going if we want to have dinner before we meet Addison and Derek for drinks."

"What if I don't want to meet Addison and Derek for drinks," Meredith mumbled.

"What?"

"Nothing," Meredith retorted, pulling the dress on over her head and walking back out into the room.

--

_So both Meredith and Derek are trying very hard to make their respective relationships work. It appears to be a difficult feat, but both are managing- for the time being. Addison wants so hard to believe that Derek doesn't have feelings for Meredith anymore and vice versa- hence the double date. As for Scott and Meredith's blossoming relationship, only time will tell..._

Thanks again for reading, and please review!!

Franny XX

P.S. For those of you that are dying for the Merder stuff/fluff, I promise it's coming soon. I'm getting sick of writing all this angst, so plan on seeing it in just a few more chapters (if not the next).


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